Successes and failures of dieting

So, I work in a job that requires us to wear a uniform to work Monday through Thursday. On the weekends (Friday included) we get to wear our blue jeans with a work shirt. Today, for the FIRST time, I'm wearing jeans that don't have an elastic waist for the first time since last July. They aren't my size 5's or even my size 7's. They're size 11's. They're the jeans that I bought a few months after Evie was born because I was tired of wearing maternity jeans. It's a success, and although it does feel like a success it is a bittersweet one.

A year ago now I had finally gotten back down into my size 5's and my small shirts. I had lost 70 lbs since Evie's birth in August and was incredibly proud of myself. It took a LOT of hard work and perseverance. I stuck to my low-calorie diet, did belly dancing and a couple hundred crunches every day. EVERY day. And it paid off. I weighed around 125 lbs when I quit officially "dieting." Though I wanted to get back down into the teens where I had been the summer before I had Evie.

I started slacking some on the diet before I got pregnant. I had probably gained around 5-10 lbs but its hard to say since it's not like I was going to the doctor or anything to see what I weighed once a month. At my first couple of prenatal visits my weight was in the 130s. And at that point I really shouldn't have been gaining preggo weight. So it was probably just my laziness.

By the end of my pregnancy I weighed 195 lbs. I was kinda devastated because I had gained as much weight as I had with my first pregnancy, except this time I had stayed fairly active, walking several times a week and chasing a one-year old around several hours a day, and had watched what I ate. I ate fast food sparingly and never got a "large" meal, unlike with my first pregnancy where I just assumed the weight would be easy to lose and just ate whatever I wanted. Being a bit wiser the second time I kept my calorie and fat intake down but despite my efforts, I was just as big at the end. Since the baby was smaller, I guess I was bigger.

Elly is about 9 weeks old now and I have lost about 46 lbs. Technically I've lost 50 lbs since I lost 45, regained 4 when I started birth control (stupid hormones) and then lost 5. I currently weight about 149 lbs. And while I can't fit into my size 8 uniform pants or my size 7 jeans, the size 11 jeans are a little roomy. And the size 14 uniform pants that a coworker gave me to wear until I get into my usual ones work but they're definitely way too big.

I'm not denying that I've made a lot of progress in 2 months. And I'm definitely on track to be back down at 125 by the six month mark like I was the first time. Just 24 more pounds!

But at the same time, spring is here and summer is fast approaching. Down here in the south, we don't have a lot of time between snow and sauna. Seems like one week you're building a snow man, the next it's 100 degrees and the air is so thick you can hardly breathe. Soon I will need to be wearing shorts and tank tops and showing lots of skin and I'm a long ways from being able to fit into my summer clothes. After Evie I had all winter to get skinny. Winter means sweatpants, sweatshirts, sweaters and jeans. Baggy, loose-fitting clothes that don't show any skin or extra weight. Summer clothes aren't as forgiving. Plus, since I've never been 140-some pounds during the summer before I don't have clothes to fit a 140-some-pound me. My shorts, tee shirts and tank tops were all bought when I was a smaller, more fit person and I cringe at the thought of going shopping with my two-babies-in-two-years body. In all honesty, I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. Well, I do cry a little bit.

This is the summer before I got pregnant with Evie.


It's just hard.

So my goal now is 24 more pounds to be back to a happy weight. Thirty pounds and I will be walking on air, ecstatic and beyond happy. If I can lose 10 lbs a month then I will be back to a normal size before Evie's birthday. And I'll just suffer through the summer in athletic shorts and baggy t-shirts.

But dieting is so hard. And so frustrating. And losing weight takes time. And requires eating lots of boring food!

Like this...

Stupid weight loss shakes. Though, unlike most people who drink them, I do actually like them. I just get bored drinking them every morning for breakfast. And them having one for lunch or supper some days.

I'd much rather have some of these...

Blueberry muffins that I made Evie this morning. She ate three. And a piece of cheese. And drank a huge cup of whole milk. It's frustrating when you're jealous of what your kid is eating.

Of course, it's all worth the two precious girls that I go home to every night. Even if one of them likes to steal my lean pockets and the other won't let me have 5 minutes to do crunches in the morning. I love them more than I loved being a size 5. But I hope that one day in the not too far future I will get to have both. In the meantime I stick to my 1200 calorie, high protein diet. I do at least 50 crunches every day after the girls are asleep and we go for walks as often as time and weather allow.

And of course there's this cutie-patootie...(who I swear is already trying to say "momma"...is that possible?)