When bigger shoes have big meaning

I have always loved shoes. Really. Three years ago, it wouldn't have been safe to let me see a "Sale" sign on a shoe store, because I would have to go in and buy at least ONE pair. I had way too many shoes. Several pairs I seldom, if ever wore. But shoes were my weakness. I loved them.

In December 2008 I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter and spent the next nine months getting fat and dressing for comfort. I didn't wear anything less comfortable than flip flops that summer. About the same time that I've gotten my body back I was surprised to learn that I was pregnant again. So another nine months of getting fat and dressing comfortably.

I have worn heels two times since December 2008 and I can list them. Once to church spring of 2010. Another time to a viewing of a friend's family member during fall of 2010. And that's it. Last week I went to put on a pair of heels to wear to church and they were way to small! *gasp* The horror.

I have gotten rid of a lot of my shoes over the last couple of years. They were taking up a lot of closet space and I don't really have the need for them anymore. As if I ever did. But now trying on the shoes that I still have I find that my feet have apparently grown!

Of all the side-effects to two pregnancies in two years, larger feet was not one I expected. But be forewarned! It can happen. A few months ago I bought a pair of New Balance toning sneakers and measured my foot to get the size (I ordered them online) but I didn't really think about the fact that I needed 8's now. I like my sneakers with a little room so I can wear thicker socks anyways so I had ordered them a little big. But now I learn that I can't wear my size 6 shoes anymore!

So the other day at Walmart, I sit down on the shoe aisle to confirm this. I try on shoes. Nope. Size 6 won't go on my foot. Nor will a 6.5. Ugh. I'm now at least a size 7 or 7.5. I know I don't have sled runners for feet or anything. But man, who'd a thunk it? A full size bigger!

Over the last couple of years, between babies and being pregnant, I haven't had a lot of opportunity for high-heel affairs. Typically the other shoppers in Walmart don't look at my feet. And house cleaning tends to go better in flip flops, sneakers or barefoot. Being pseudo law enforcement, we have uniforms and S.W.A.T. boots to wear to work. So I'm certainly not dressing to the nines there. Josh and I have only had a handful of "dates" since Evie was born and none of them have needed heels.

But in three weeks, my best friend is getting married. I'm very excited and happy for her. And I'm also super excited about getting out of the house, leaving the babies with my mom and spending some quality grown-up time with my husband. I bought a super cute dress and some adorable shoes. Black peep-toe pumps with a little bow/ruffle on top. They are fabulous.

I still have an affinity and fondness for shoes. But it has certainly taken a backseat to diapers, formula, baby food, and clothes for kids. These shoes have a lot of importance for me. They are the first pair of "cute" shoes I've bought since I got pregnant. I also sort of see them as a turning point for me.

I'm done having babies (most likely). I'm going to lose all this weight and be skinny and attractive and be happy with my body again. I am a much different person than I was. A different person with bigger feet. And stretch marks. I'm a mom now and I think that has a profound impact on who you are. But I don't have to be JUST a mom. And I think that's something that has taken me a while to accept. I can still be cute and have fun!

I'm not the carefree 22-year-old anymore. Having children is a big responsibility. And while I sometimes miss all the fun that I used to have and my size 3 shorts, my children are such an incredible blessing. They are lots of fun and way better to look at than any of those size 3 shorts anyways. I wouldn't change anything or do any of it different.

I have promised that I will cut myself some slack. My body created some absolutely gorgeous babies. It took nine months to gain the weight so I'll try and be patient and give myself nine months to lose it. I'm not going to be upset about having bigger feet because now I have a legitimate excuse to update my shoes. At my current weight loss rate I will be back around 125 by Evie's birthday and that's not so bad. Assuming I can manage to not put a bunch of weight back on through the holidays (and man its TOUGH) I will be back down to my pre-baby size for next year's pool and beach season. It'll all be okay.