From pregnancy, I loved Elly. I did. I'm her mom and I'm biologically programmed by surging hormones to protect, love and care for the baby I conceive and carry. It's something that no matter how good a dad a man may be he will never really understand. He just can't. This person walking around may share 50% of his DNA, but it isn't part of his body. Until the umbilical cord is cut, Mom and baby share a body. They share emotions, hormones, foods, sounds, smells...literally everything. Scientists have discovered that babies react to emotions beyond just an accelerated pulse or elevated blood pressure. They are calm when Mom is happy. They smile, frown, kick, draw up, yawn and more in response to their mom's emotions. Psychologists have discovered that an important part of development for a baby is learning that it and Mom are two different beings. That's why babies initially have separation anxiety: they don't understand that Mom isn't part of them. Discovering how separate they are lasts up into adolescence. It's the big battle of the teenage years -- asserting that you are NOT your parents. And moms feel every disappointment, every triumph, every major event in their child's life as if it were their own. We are just designed by Mother Nature. How else could those squirmy, helpless babies survive 10 minutes outside the womb? If someone wasn't there wanting to love them and cuddle them and provide for them?
I loved Elly. I loved her from the plus sign on the pee-stick. I loved her first kicks and I loved her first cries. I was elated to see that she had a head-full of dark hair (which is what I had dreamed Evie would look like...imagine my surprise to be holding a blond baby! Especially since myself and my husband are brunettes). Although I felt the expected post-partum euphoria (Woohoo hormones!) I didn't have the obsessive desire to do everything for Elly myself like I did with Evie. I didn't feel like I needed to hold her all the time. I didn't worry about her stopping breathing and lay awake watching her like I did Evie. It was a much different experience.
When we got home I began experiencing more of the protective, I-want-to-take-care-of-her-myself feelings. I felt closer to her and we all settled into a kind of groove as a family of four. Things were good and I was happy. I actually thought I was having an easier time with the postpartum hormones than I'd had with Evie. Then Elly got sick, and I went a couple of weeks without sleeping and days without seeing Evie...and...in all honesty, I was angry. Not AT Elly, because obviously it wasn't her fault. But at the same time I was angry WITH her, if you can get the difference in nuance. I was angry that my family felt like it had been torn apart by this little person who didn't really care anything about any of us. Babies aren't really born loving or caring. They're very selfish little things if you think about it. And this uncaring person just came in and wrecked our lives. She was in the hospital. Then when she came home she was still coughing and wheezing and I was worried about her. She was puking all the time on everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. It was the hardest month I've been through. And it wasn't just a few days. It was honestly 5 or 6 weeks.
I came back to work thinking simultaneously, "Hallelujah, no one will be puking on me" and "Holy Shit, how can I survive working and babies when I barely survived just babies?" The first day I left both girls at my mom's house I didn't cry a bit. I wasn't really sad or worried like I was with Evie. I was a little nervous for my mom...a whole day dealing with both kids is pretty overwhelming. But I didn't cry that I had left my baby. Only later in the day did it strike me as odd.
Really, only now that I feel super lovey-dovey towards Elly has it dawned on me that I didn't feel this way before. I don't think that this whole ordeal will have any lasting impact on Elly. She certainly won't remember and from the way she laughs and smiles at me, she hasn't had any issues bonding with ME. But dealing with a sick baby is hard. On a lot of levels.
On one level you love the baby but you're afraid you might be losing the baby and so you're afraid to do too much bonding. But at the same time you want to spend as much time as possible because you're afraid it's all you have. Very conflicting. Once you're out of that dark patch, you have this massive amount of work to do. You deprive yourself of sleep, meals, personal time, bathing, all to take care of this baby. And you don't have years or even months of a fulfilling, positive relationship that you've built to sort of borrow against. You've had days or weeks. You don't have fond memories to recall to remind you of what this is all for. You have vomit in your hair, a pile of laundry that smells like sour milk, your second pot of coffee and a headache because you can't remember the last time you ate but you know it wasn't even yesterday. It's just hard to grow a lot of warm fuzzies in that kind of environment.
I want to repeat that I have always loved Elly. I did. But there were times that I didn't feel very attached to her. I just didn't feel the same level of bond as I had with Evie. And there were times when I seriously questioned why I'd had a second child. But things are way way better. I absolutely love snuggling up to Elly on the nights she sleeps with me. I melt when she smiles and I cannot wait to hear her say Momma. I love her as much as I love Evie.
I don't envy people who have really sick babies. Babies who spend weeks in the NICU or months in the hospital. I just don't know how they survive. How they put themselves through it every day. I don't know if I was weak. Or if part of my issues were also my postpartum hormones...possibly even a variety of postpartum depression. I'm sure that certainly played a big part. I don't know if other parents have similar issues bonding with their sick babies. Honestly, I'm scared to ask. I don't want to know how much worse I was than they were.
I am happy to say that I'm infatuated with both of my girls these days. And I cannot imagine life without them both.
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