Honestly. I forgot. Completely forgot how horrible dealing with a newborn was. My mom tells me maybe something is wrong with my brain because how else could one have forgotten?
All the sitting around and worrying. Worrying if the baby is eating enough. Why is she spitting up? Why won't she wake up? Is she pooping enough? Is she peeing enough? Why won't she go back to sleep? Why can't I go back to sleep? Why did she just sneeze? Why does she feel warm? Is she warm or am I cold? What if something is actually wrong with her?
I am a worrier anyways. And newborns are just too stressful for me. I officially want to fast forward at least 2 months in Elly's life so that I don't feel like I need to freak out all the time. Especially since my decision to not breastfeed has backfired. Elly hasn't been growing like Evie did and now seems to be constipated from the formula. She's also been to the doctor 3 times in 4 days due to her jaundice, which apparently breastfed babies deal with less. She's still losing weight, which isn't a good thing. And I'm feeling like a horrible mother since my first child had regained her birth weight at 2 days old and Elly is still down 12 ounces.
On top of the worrying, I have all the fluctuating hormones. Whereas I'm less "blue" than I was with Evie I feel more volatile. Going to from crying to happy to mad in brief periods of time. But as of today I have been un-pregnant for a week so things should start leveling out and getting back to normal.
In the meantime, its time for me to make a bottle and get up a baby and some breakfast for a toddler.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Where did my week go?
Oh my gosh. It's Friday! How did that happen? Where has the week gone? And why am I so tired?
Somehow I have managed to accomplish like...nothing. All week. I had this list. A list I envisioned as being fairly simple to accomplish. I had planned out the things I would accomplish at home in the mornings prior to leaving for work. And I even had activities that I could complete at work. And here I sit on Friday night wondering where my week went.
So this leaves me a long list of to-do's to do tomorrow. Ugh. I wanted to spend my weekend relaxing. I was going to take long baths and go get a mani-pedi with my best bud from high school so we could catch up because we never get to hang out anymore. Now its looking like I will spend my day frantically running errands and getting caught up on house work. I am sure I will survive. It's just not how I envisioned my final weekend as a pregnant lady. I wanted to relax dang it!
And the worst part is, I'm not really sure what happened to my week. I'm not sure where I faltered or slacked off and somehow managed to get nothing done. I've been busy every day. I've gotten some laundry done and managed to sweep the floors a few times. I have repacked my hospital bag after seeing the new weather forecast. I have walked most days and spent plenty of time with my toddler.
So, while I don't know where the week has gone and have a hectic day ahead of me tomorrow. I'm glad it's over. I'm just two days away from getting to meet this baby on the outside!
Somehow I have managed to accomplish like...nothing. All week. I had this list. A list I envisioned as being fairly simple to accomplish. I had planned out the things I would accomplish at home in the mornings prior to leaving for work. And I even had activities that I could complete at work. And here I sit on Friday night wondering where my week went.
So this leaves me a long list of to-do's to do tomorrow. Ugh. I wanted to spend my weekend relaxing. I was going to take long baths and go get a mani-pedi with my best bud from high school so we could catch up because we never get to hang out anymore. Now its looking like I will spend my day frantically running errands and getting caught up on house work. I am sure I will survive. It's just not how I envisioned my final weekend as a pregnant lady. I wanted to relax dang it!
And the worst part is, I'm not really sure what happened to my week. I'm not sure where I faltered or slacked off and somehow managed to get nothing done. I've been busy every day. I've gotten some laundry done and managed to sweep the floors a few times. I have repacked my hospital bag after seeing the new weather forecast. I have walked most days and spent plenty of time with my toddler.
So, while I don't know where the week has gone and have a hectic day ahead of me tomorrow. I'm glad it's over. I'm just two days away from getting to meet this baby on the outside!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
How do you know?
So, it may seem silly to be wondering this as I simultaneously sit and worry about how I'm going to deal with two children. But the other day a friend asked me if I thought I would have any more children. And I've actually gotten that question frequently. I'm not sure what it is about being pregnant but people ask me a lot whether or not this is my last.
And honestly, I don't know. If I could win the lottery. Or my husband got a job making like $100k a year. Or I were to inherit a fortune. If something were to happen so that my financial status were secure and I could just stay at home and have babies and then raise those babies, I'd probably have like..four kids.
Before you ask, yes, I am insane. But I just love the notion of a house full of kids and a huge kitchen table surrounded by children. And the holidays would be so much fun. And when they were grown and had their own kids and came back home for Christmas and Thanksgiving, it would just be so neat.
But without any financial security, it just seems too risky to have more than two kids. My husband and I want to do big family vacations and be able to provide for them and with cost of living being what it is today, that seems hard enough without kids. Let alone with 3 or 4.
So, two is probably it for us. Others have said they just felt like their family was complete after they had "X" number of kids and that's when they knew. But I don't know. In the meantime, we are not taking any permanent measures. I just can't imagine this being my last baby...but I also don't know that I want to go through another pregnancy. Especially with my ginormous babies. It has to be hard on me physically in ways that I don't know about yet.
But how do you really know? Really? And what if you get your tubes tied or whatever and then wake up one day and you want another baby?
Just in case you were wondering...
And honestly, I don't know. If I could win the lottery. Or my husband got a job making like $100k a year. Or I were to inherit a fortune. If something were to happen so that my financial status were secure and I could just stay at home and have babies and then raise those babies, I'd probably have like..four kids.
Before you ask, yes, I am insane. But I just love the notion of a house full of kids and a huge kitchen table surrounded by children. And the holidays would be so much fun. And when they were grown and had their own kids and came back home for Christmas and Thanksgiving, it would just be so neat.
But without any financial security, it just seems too risky to have more than two kids. My husband and I want to do big family vacations and be able to provide for them and with cost of living being what it is today, that seems hard enough without kids. Let alone with 3 or 4.
So, two is probably it for us. Others have said they just felt like their family was complete after they had "X" number of kids and that's when they knew. But I don't know. In the meantime, we are not taking any permanent measures. I just can't imagine this being my last baby...but I also don't know that I want to go through another pregnancy. Especially with my ginormous babies. It has to be hard on me physically in ways that I don't know about yet.
But how do you really know? Really? And what if you get your tubes tied or whatever and then wake up one day and you want another baby?
Just in case you were wondering...
Is it fair to add to the family tree?
At the beginning of my pregnancy I worried that there was something wrong with me because I just didn't feel the same about this baby as I did my first. When I found out I was pregnant with Evie I was immediately attached and overjoyed. I was infatuated with her from the moment I first saw the plus sign on the pee stick while she was just a cluster of cells without even so much as a heartbeat to distinguish her.
Weeks later seeing her on the ultrasound monitor, watching that teeny tiny heart pump away, I cried. I was overwhelmed with excitement and love for this little person, which now had a heartbeat, but still looked more like a sea monkey than a person with its flippers and tail. When she was born she looked almost exactly as I had pictured, except she was a blonde and I had imagined her brunette.
With Elly, I didn't get that immediate love. I was excited to be having a second child. I was also afraid, apprehensive, worried, overwhelmed...well, you get the idea. When I found out I was pregnant I had a nine month old in the next room. Not only was I worried about how I would manage two babies at once. I was worried about how this would effect Evie. She had only been with us for nine months. And now, even though her sibling wasn't due until February, already our time and affections would be split between her, my sweet baby girl, and this unknown little person. I would have to start going to doctor's appointments and soon I would start showing and wouldn't be able to do as much with Evie as I wanted. We would need to plan a nursery for the new baby and start preparing our home for a second child. So even though we had some time before she had to really start sharing her home with a new baby, her life was being affected early on by the pregnancy.
I felt so torn about adding a new baby to our home while my baby was still...well, a baby. It just seemed so unfair to Evie. And those are feelings I've dealt with a lot of the last 36 weeks. As I've gotten bigger and bigger I am less and less able to do things with Evie that I'd like to do. I certainly can't chase her up and down the halls like I did seven months ago. Getting up and down from the floor takes a lot longer than it should and sometimes I'm super snappy because I'm tired and hormonal.
Of course, I am excited about having a second child now. But sometimes at night I still lie awake and wonder how this is all going to affect Evie. Whether or not this is the right thing for her or fair to her. I worry about how upset she's going to be when we bring a new baby home from the hospital. If it will hurt her feelings that I will be changing someone else's diapers, teaching someone else how to eat and sleep and sit up and crawl, taking care of another baby. No longer would she and I have so much Mommy and Evie time because now there would also be little sister with us. And although I talk to her about it, I know that she's just a baby and simply cannot truly understand how much her life is getting ready to change.
Let me repeat, in case it's not coming through, that I am really very excited to have a second baby. Especially a girl because I think having two girls so close together is going to be so great when they get older.
But still I worry about how fair it will be Evie when her little sister is born next week. And I wonder what her reaction to this whole thing will be. I hope and pray that she does well with it and I remind myself over and over that she's so young that she will not even remember this tumultuous transition. She won't remember a life without her sister and hopefully that will lead to an inseparable bond and a friendship that she cherishes throughout her life. I envision two curly-headed little girls, about the same size since they will be so close in age, having tea parties in their bedroom and building forts in the living room. I see them staying up late to finish a chapter in some childhood classic, camping out on the top bunk with a flashlight and huddling under a shared blanket. I know they will fight like cats and dogs but they'll also curl up on the couch together and fall asleep watching a movie. At least I hope that they snuggle, and bond and just absolutely love each other. If not it might be a long 18 years til they're out of the house. I look at pictures of my friend's two little boys, one is 22 months old and the other is 4 months old, and see how much the older adores his little brother and I'm hopeful that my girls will be the same.
As I snuggle Evie at night these last few nights where it's just us, I try to memorize what it is like with just the two of us. I know we'll have alone time again but it'll be harder to come by. And it will be different then. But I'm really glad that we have a set period of time (hopefully) that I can sit back and really savor my last few days of pregnancy and Evie time.
So on Monday our lives will all change. The countdown has begun and for better or worse our lil family of three will become a family of four. For better I believe. Our "normal" will be long gone but a new normal will be established. We'll find a new rhythm and everyone will find a new niche and life will go on. One day, we'll all get to sleep through the night again. And although our lives will be different, I think that our little addition will make us all better and happier and our family will be complete.
Weeks later seeing her on the ultrasound monitor, watching that teeny tiny heart pump away, I cried. I was overwhelmed with excitement and love for this little person, which now had a heartbeat, but still looked more like a sea monkey than a person with its flippers and tail. When she was born she looked almost exactly as I had pictured, except she was a blonde and I had imagined her brunette.
With Elly, I didn't get that immediate love. I was excited to be having a second child. I was also afraid, apprehensive, worried, overwhelmed...well, you get the idea. When I found out I was pregnant I had a nine month old in the next room. Not only was I worried about how I would manage two babies at once. I was worried about how this would effect Evie. She had only been with us for nine months. And now, even though her sibling wasn't due until February, already our time and affections would be split between her, my sweet baby girl, and this unknown little person. I would have to start going to doctor's appointments and soon I would start showing and wouldn't be able to do as much with Evie as I wanted. We would need to plan a nursery for the new baby and start preparing our home for a second child. So even though we had some time before she had to really start sharing her home with a new baby, her life was being affected early on by the pregnancy.
I felt so torn about adding a new baby to our home while my baby was still...well, a baby. It just seemed so unfair to Evie. And those are feelings I've dealt with a lot of the last 36 weeks. As I've gotten bigger and bigger I am less and less able to do things with Evie that I'd like to do. I certainly can't chase her up and down the halls like I did seven months ago. Getting up and down from the floor takes a lot longer than it should and sometimes I'm super snappy because I'm tired and hormonal.
Of course, I am excited about having a second child now. But sometimes at night I still lie awake and wonder how this is all going to affect Evie. Whether or not this is the right thing for her or fair to her. I worry about how upset she's going to be when we bring a new baby home from the hospital. If it will hurt her feelings that I will be changing someone else's diapers, teaching someone else how to eat and sleep and sit up and crawl, taking care of another baby. No longer would she and I have so much Mommy and Evie time because now there would also be little sister with us. And although I talk to her about it, I know that she's just a baby and simply cannot truly understand how much her life is getting ready to change.
Let me repeat, in case it's not coming through, that I am really very excited to have a second baby. Especially a girl because I think having two girls so close together is going to be so great when they get older.
But still I worry about how fair it will be Evie when her little sister is born next week. And I wonder what her reaction to this whole thing will be. I hope and pray that she does well with it and I remind myself over and over that she's so young that she will not even remember this tumultuous transition. She won't remember a life without her sister and hopefully that will lead to an inseparable bond and a friendship that she cherishes throughout her life. I envision two curly-headed little girls, about the same size since they will be so close in age, having tea parties in their bedroom and building forts in the living room. I see them staying up late to finish a chapter in some childhood classic, camping out on the top bunk with a flashlight and huddling under a shared blanket. I know they will fight like cats and dogs but they'll also curl up on the couch together and fall asleep watching a movie. At least I hope that they snuggle, and bond and just absolutely love each other. If not it might be a long 18 years til they're out of the house. I look at pictures of my friend's two little boys, one is 22 months old and the other is 4 months old, and see how much the older adores his little brother and I'm hopeful that my girls will be the same.
As I snuggle Evie at night these last few nights where it's just us, I try to memorize what it is like with just the two of us. I know we'll have alone time again but it'll be harder to come by. And it will be different then. But I'm really glad that we have a set period of time (hopefully) that I can sit back and really savor my last few days of pregnancy and Evie time.
So on Monday our lives will all change. The countdown has begun and for better or worse our lil family of three will become a family of four. For better I believe. Our "normal" will be long gone but a new normal will be established. We'll find a new rhythm and everyone will find a new niche and life will go on. One day, we'll all get to sleep through the night again. And although our lives will be different, I think that our little addition will make us all better and happier and our family will be complete.
We're having a baby next week!
That's right! Next week! Monday to be precise. Or hopefully it will happen on Monday. I hope I don't endure another 18 hours of labor. Or gosh, what if its LONGER? I guess that could happen. But for sanity's sake, I'm planning on having this baby quickly and with minimum hassle on Monday.
So the doctor decided Monday to induce me next week. In the whirlwind of activity since that decision I have had no time to update my blog. Sorry! I have several topics I would like to blog on before Miss Ellynor's arrival though. So hopefully I will be able to fit all of those in.
So on Monday, my little family loaded up and headed off to the doctor's office bright and early. This was going to be the first time Josh got to see Elly on the ultrasound since he's had to work during every other appointment. I was thinking they'd do an ultrasound and decide she was biggish but not so much so as to be alarming. This baby just doesn't feel as big as Evie did. I figured I'd then have my cervix checked and be at a 1 or 2 and that would be it.
Well, the doctor started the ultrasound and checked everything out. He confirmed (again!) that the baby was a girl. Which is great because at this point if she changed her mind and became a boy he was still going to be wearing a lot of pink. Then the doctor started measuring Ellynor to determine her approximate weight. Now the average newborn in the United States is 7 lbs. That's the official number at least. Most people I know have babies somewhere near the 7 lb mark. So I believe it. Little 5'3" me however...I give birth to giant babies. But those little rolls are SOOOO cute.
So the first measurement he takes is Elly's femur bone. I was 36 weeks 1 day and her leg measured 36 weeks 5 days. Not a big deal. Next he moves to her abdomen. Obviously that's the largest mass on the baby, though of course not the hardest part to deliver. The head and shoulders are the hard parts. Head generally being the hardest because it comes first. He gets a look at the abdominal cavity and measures it...
"Hmmm, let me try that again..."
Second time. Gets a good picture of the abdominal cavity. Measures.
"Well, her stomach is measuring 41-42 weeks...so, she's a good size baby. Let's look at the head."
*gulp*
Elly has been really, really low for a few weeks now. In fact, two weeks ago I told this man that the baby was really low. And he told me humorous stories about previous patients who came in asking to be checked because they felt like the baby was literally falling out. I told him that I could relate because every time I stood up it did indeed feel like her head HAD to be coming out. He chuckled at me. In that doctor's way that they have that makes you feel like you're five and telling him about the giant fuzzy monsters that live under your bed. Now this same man is having to move this stupid ultrasound wand WAY below my bikini line to get a picture of this baby and says to me, "Boy, her head IS low."
I gave him the "duh" look at which time he chuckled again and told me that I probably could have told him that. I fought an urge to roll my eyes.
Well, he finally settled on an image of the outline of her head after talking about how hard it was to get a good picture because she was so low, pointed out the mass of hair that she had (which I also could have told him because I've had a ridonkulous amount of heartburn with this pregnancy) and measured her head. It measured approximately 38 weeks 4 days or something.
*gulp*
All in all, the computer calculated that she weighed approximately 7 lbs 11 oz. Still smaller than Evie was but babies can gain up to a pound a week during their last month of gestation. Between a half pound and a pound. And of course, the ultrasound could be off give or take a pound. So she could be anywhere from 6.7 lbs and 8.7 lbs now. Putting her between 7 lbs and 10 lbs by next Monday. So the doctor outlined my choices for me.
At 37 weeks a baby girl has a 2% chance of having lung immaturity or breathing problems at birth. Interesting factoid, baby boys mature slower and have a much higher chance of having complications if born at 37 weeks. A 2% chance is pretty minimal but it is still a risk. Evie was born at 37 weeks and a few days and she was fine. One choice is to be induced next Monday when I'm 37 weeks 1 day. Otherwise, I could wait until I was 39 weeks along and have a planned C-section. If I were to go into labor naturally after next week, he said he didn't feel comfortable allowing me to try and deliver the baby naturally. I would be an automatic C-section any time after next Monday.
The doctor said he felt comfortable with inducing me on Monday. I am really anti C-sections and would do pretty much anything that doesn't threaten my health or my child's to avoid one. So despite how much I dread being induced again I agreed to being induced on Monday. So unless she decides to come sometime in the next four days, I will be on a pitocin drip by around 7 a.m. Monday morning.
The doctor gave me my orders for the hospital and sent us on our way. He didn't check my cervix, which kinda disappointed me because I've been walking and bouncing and eating lots of pineapple so I really wanted to know if I'd made any progress. But ah well. We'll find out Monday I suppose!
In the meantime, I have been making a list (and checking it twice, hehe) of all the things I want to get done while I still can. All the things that need to be done prior to Elly's arrival. Like cleaning the house, making sure everyone's bags are packed, making sure the pantry is stocked and we've got plenty of diapers and formula on hand. Because a Walmart trip is completely out of the question for our first week home. All the family has been notified and my mother-in-law has graciously rearranged her schedule so that she can be at the birth and then stay with us for the first few days at home. I'm trying to finish reading the book I've been working on and beat my latest DS game. I put in my time-off request at work and arranged to have others work for me during my absence.
I'm also trying to really cherish and savor my last few days with just Evie. I'm trying not to dote on her any more than usual since I don't want her to get too used to it just to have everything dramatically changed next week. Josh has managed to get a week off work for Elly's birth and has Thursday and Friday off this week to spend with me and Evie.
I've even planned Super Bowl festivities. My last day as a pregnant woman so I'm going to eat and enjoy it. Plus, maybe the hot wings and spicy dip will help the whole labor thing. One of the wives tales says that spicy food can start labor. So I will just keep my fingers crossed. Wish me luck!
So the doctor decided Monday to induce me next week. In the whirlwind of activity since that decision I have had no time to update my blog. Sorry! I have several topics I would like to blog on before Miss Ellynor's arrival though. So hopefully I will be able to fit all of those in.
So on Monday, my little family loaded up and headed off to the doctor's office bright and early. This was going to be the first time Josh got to see Elly on the ultrasound since he's had to work during every other appointment. I was thinking they'd do an ultrasound and decide she was biggish but not so much so as to be alarming. This baby just doesn't feel as big as Evie did. I figured I'd then have my cervix checked and be at a 1 or 2 and that would be it.
Well, the doctor started the ultrasound and checked everything out. He confirmed (again!) that the baby was a girl. Which is great because at this point if she changed her mind and became a boy he was still going to be wearing a lot of pink. Then the doctor started measuring Ellynor to determine her approximate weight. Now the average newborn in the United States is 7 lbs. That's the official number at least. Most people I know have babies somewhere near the 7 lb mark. So I believe it. Little 5'3" me however...I give birth to giant babies. But those little rolls are SOOOO cute.
So the first measurement he takes is Elly's femur bone. I was 36 weeks 1 day and her leg measured 36 weeks 5 days. Not a big deal. Next he moves to her abdomen. Obviously that's the largest mass on the baby, though of course not the hardest part to deliver. The head and shoulders are the hard parts. Head generally being the hardest because it comes first. He gets a look at the abdominal cavity and measures it...
"Hmmm, let me try that again..."
Second time. Gets a good picture of the abdominal cavity. Measures.
"Well, her stomach is measuring 41-42 weeks...so, she's a good size baby. Let's look at the head."
*gulp*
Elly has been really, really low for a few weeks now. In fact, two weeks ago I told this man that the baby was really low. And he told me humorous stories about previous patients who came in asking to be checked because they felt like the baby was literally falling out. I told him that I could relate because every time I stood up it did indeed feel like her head HAD to be coming out. He chuckled at me. In that doctor's way that they have that makes you feel like you're five and telling him about the giant fuzzy monsters that live under your bed. Now this same man is having to move this stupid ultrasound wand WAY below my bikini line to get a picture of this baby and says to me, "Boy, her head IS low."
I gave him the "duh" look at which time he chuckled again and told me that I probably could have told him that. I fought an urge to roll my eyes.
Well, he finally settled on an image of the outline of her head after talking about how hard it was to get a good picture because she was so low, pointed out the mass of hair that she had (which I also could have told him because I've had a ridonkulous amount of heartburn with this pregnancy) and measured her head. It measured approximately 38 weeks 4 days or something.
*gulp*
All in all, the computer calculated that she weighed approximately 7 lbs 11 oz. Still smaller than Evie was but babies can gain up to a pound a week during their last month of gestation. Between a half pound and a pound. And of course, the ultrasound could be off give or take a pound. So she could be anywhere from 6.7 lbs and 8.7 lbs now. Putting her between 7 lbs and 10 lbs by next Monday. So the doctor outlined my choices for me.
At 37 weeks a baby girl has a 2% chance of having lung immaturity or breathing problems at birth. Interesting factoid, baby boys mature slower and have a much higher chance of having complications if born at 37 weeks. A 2% chance is pretty minimal but it is still a risk. Evie was born at 37 weeks and a few days and she was fine. One choice is to be induced next Monday when I'm 37 weeks 1 day. Otherwise, I could wait until I was 39 weeks along and have a planned C-section. If I were to go into labor naturally after next week, he said he didn't feel comfortable allowing me to try and deliver the baby naturally. I would be an automatic C-section any time after next Monday.
The doctor said he felt comfortable with inducing me on Monday. I am really anti C-sections and would do pretty much anything that doesn't threaten my health or my child's to avoid one. So despite how much I dread being induced again I agreed to being induced on Monday. So unless she decides to come sometime in the next four days, I will be on a pitocin drip by around 7 a.m. Monday morning.
The doctor gave me my orders for the hospital and sent us on our way. He didn't check my cervix, which kinda disappointed me because I've been walking and bouncing and eating lots of pineapple so I really wanted to know if I'd made any progress. But ah well. We'll find out Monday I suppose!
In the meantime, I have been making a list (and checking it twice, hehe) of all the things I want to get done while I still can. All the things that need to be done prior to Elly's arrival. Like cleaning the house, making sure everyone's bags are packed, making sure the pantry is stocked and we've got plenty of diapers and formula on hand. Because a Walmart trip is completely out of the question for our first week home. All the family has been notified and my mother-in-law has graciously rearranged her schedule so that she can be at the birth and then stay with us for the first few days at home. I'm trying to finish reading the book I've been working on and beat my latest DS game. I put in my time-off request at work and arranged to have others work for me during my absence.
I'm also trying to really cherish and savor my last few days with just Evie. I'm trying not to dote on her any more than usual since I don't want her to get too used to it just to have everything dramatically changed next week. Josh has managed to get a week off work for Elly's birth and has Thursday and Friday off this week to spend with me and Evie.
I've even planned Super Bowl festivities. My last day as a pregnant woman so I'm going to eat and enjoy it. Plus, maybe the hot wings and spicy dip will help the whole labor thing. One of the wives tales says that spicy food can start labor. So I will just keep my fingers crossed. Wish me luck!
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