Is it fair to add to the family tree?

At the beginning of my pregnancy I worried that there was something wrong with me because I just didn't feel the same about this baby as I did my first. When I found out I was pregnant with Evie I was immediately attached and overjoyed. I was infatuated with her from the moment I first saw the plus sign on the pee stick while she was just a cluster of cells without even so much as a heartbeat to distinguish her.

Weeks later seeing her on the ultrasound monitor, watching that teeny tiny heart pump away, I cried. I was overwhelmed with excitement and love for this little person, which now had a heartbeat, but still looked more like a sea monkey than a person with its flippers and tail. When she was born she looked almost exactly as I had pictured, except she was a blonde and I had imagined her brunette.

With Elly, I didn't get that immediate love. I was excited to be having a second child. I was also afraid, apprehensive, worried, overwhelmed...well, you get the idea. When I found out I was pregnant I had a nine month old in the next room. Not only was I worried about how I would manage two babies at once. I was worried about how this would effect Evie. She had only been with us for nine months. And now, even though her sibling wasn't due until February, already our time and affections would be split between her, my sweet baby girl, and this unknown little person. I would have to start going to doctor's appointments and soon I would start showing and wouldn't be able to do as much with Evie as I wanted. We would need to plan a nursery for the new baby and start preparing our home for a second child. So even though we had some time before she had to really start sharing her home with a new baby, her life was being affected early on by the pregnancy.

I felt so torn about adding a new baby to our home while my baby was still...well, a baby. It just seemed so unfair to Evie. And those are feelings I've dealt with a lot of the last 36 weeks. As I've gotten bigger and bigger I am less and less able to do things with Evie that I'd like to do. I certainly can't chase her up and down the halls like I did seven months ago. Getting up and down from the floor takes a lot longer than it should and sometimes I'm super snappy because I'm tired and hormonal.

Of course, I am excited about having a second child now. But sometimes at night I still lie awake and wonder how this is all going to affect Evie. Whether or not this is the right thing for her or fair to her. I worry about how upset she's going to be when we bring a new baby home from the hospital. If it will hurt her feelings that I will be changing someone else's diapers, teaching someone else how to eat and sleep and sit up and crawl, taking care of another baby. No longer would she and I have so much Mommy and Evie time because now there would also be little sister with us. And although I talk to her about it, I know that she's just a baby and simply cannot truly understand how much her life is getting ready to change.

Let me repeat, in case it's not coming through, that I am really very excited to have a second baby. Especially a girl because I think having two girls so close together is going to be so great when they get older.

But still I worry about how fair it will be Evie when her little sister is born next week. And I wonder what her reaction to this whole thing will be. I hope and pray that she does well with it and I remind myself over and over that she's so young that she will not even remember this tumultuous transition. She won't remember a life without her sister and hopefully that will lead to an inseparable bond and a friendship that she cherishes throughout her life. I envision two curly-headed little girls, about the same size since they will be so close in age, having tea parties in their bedroom and building forts in the living room. I see them staying up late to finish a chapter in some childhood classic, camping out on the top bunk with a flashlight and huddling under a shared blanket. I know they will fight like cats and dogs but they'll also curl up on the couch together and fall asleep watching a movie. At least I hope that they snuggle, and bond and just absolutely love each other. If not it might be a long 18 years til they're out of the house. I look at pictures of my friend's two little boys, one is 22 months old and the other is 4 months old, and see how much the older adores his little brother and I'm hopeful that my girls will be the same.

As I snuggle Evie at night these last few nights where it's just us, I try to memorize what it is like with just the two of us. I know we'll have alone time again but it'll be harder to come by. And it will be different then. But I'm really glad that we have a set period of time (hopefully) that I can sit back and really savor my last few days of pregnancy and Evie time.

So on Monday our lives will all change. The countdown has begun and for better or worse our lil family of three will become a family of four. For better I believe. Our "normal" will be long gone but a new normal will be established. We'll find a new rhythm and everyone will find a new niche and life will go on. One day, we'll all get to sleep through the night again. And although our lives will be different, I think that our little addition will make us all better and happier and our family will be complete.