The Most Terrifying 5 Minutes of My Life

It's amazing how dramatically your life can change in just a brief window of time.

A busy Saturday, that was to be spent doing to the 1400 things that needed to be done in preparation for Evie's birthday party, with a brief interlude of fishing with my mom because that's what Evie wanted to do for her birthday, That was what my Saturday was supposed to be. But it all changed very suddenly on Saturday night and I feel like my whole world may have shifted since.

When something bad happens to one of your kids, the amount of parental guilt you can feel is absolutely mind-boggling. Even when friends, family and medical professionals reassure you that you did nothing wrong and there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome. You can sit and replay and rethink and question and doubt for days. It'll eat you alive. And break your heart. All at once. Parental guilt, the "what if's" and "maybe should've's" of parenting, might be one of the hardest things.

Saturday was chaotic from the get-go. I had so much to try and get done for Evie's birthday party on Sunday. Both kids woke up early and cranky so they were whiny and hard to deal with. In addition to party stuff, I had the regular Saturday chores like laundry, to get finished up. Then after naps, we were planning on meeting my mom to take the girls fishing, because Evie told me that was what she wanted to do for her birthday.

When Elly woke up from her nap, she felt warm, but not feverish, just like she had slept under her blanket and was still warm. I had all of our stuff ready to go so that we could leave just as soon as Elly was awake and had had her snack. I had extra snacks and juice packed for us to have while fishing so that we could just have a late supper when we got back. Elly was a little whiny, but instead of sitting with her like I might usually do I was running around trying to get Evie to put her shoes on and put her toys away, so that was what I attributed Elly's attitude to. Elly ate her goldfish and drank her juice and we all loaded into the van and hit the road.

Driving to my mom's, I glanced back and Elly was just riding along and Evie, who insisted she didn't need a nap, was asleep. I was hoping to let Evie get a good half hour to an hour to improve her mood. When we got to my mom's I glanced back and saw that Evie was still asleep. Elly had been pretty quiet the whole ride and when I slid open her door, I saw that she had puked all over herself and her car seat and the back floor board.

My mom was on her front porch and I yelled that I needed some help and asked if she would come help me. I got Elly out of her seat and put her down in front of the car. My mom came up and I told her that Elly had been sick and asked if she would get her clothes off of her. Elly felt feverish warm. Like a low-grade fever. Not warm enough for me to even check her temperature. Not warm enough for me to even worry about it. Elly runs fevers when she's teething. Kids get stomach things all the time. They throw up once and then an hour later they're back to running around.

After we got everything cleaned up, Elly was still cranky and a little warm. We left her clothes off her and she was sitting around in a diaper. Evie was still asleep in the car, but both back doors were open and it was cool and comfy in the car. My mom and I sat at the picnic table passing Elly back and forth when she wanted to be held and letting her roam around the yard. She continued sipping on her juice. She still felt warm.

This is the hour that I play back in my head The hour that I worry at in my mind, pick at like a chipped nail or a loose tooth. The hour that bothers me. The hour between when Elly was sick and when she had the seizure. Because I wonder if somewhere in there I should have known that she was really sick. That something was really wrong. I never checked her temperature. I never gave her any Tylenol. I never worried about her being "sick."

After about half an hour, Evie woke up. She wanted to go swimming, since I felt like maybe Elly didn't feel up to going fishing. So, my mom and Evie changed into bathing suits and hopped into the pool. While they swam, Elly wanted to sit on my lap and she and I ended up looking through my phone's photo album and watching old videos. Elly doesn't always like to sit around on someone's lap, but she's much calmer and easier to entertain than Evie, so it's not uncommon for her. She continued to feel warm, but still not hot.

After Evie and Ma got done swimming, they came back to the porch, where Elly and I were, and Evie did a swim suit fashion show for us. Shortly afterward, Evie went inside to use the bathroom and was gone for a little too long so my mom went in to check on her. It was a little after 7 p.m.

Elly started fussing then. And scooted up on me so her head was over my shoulder. I guess she felt it coming. I asked her what was wrong and then I felt her arms and legs jerking. I pulled her away from me to look and her and her out were out of focus and it seemed like she couldn't hear me. I was completely confused for about a count of three. Then it just hit me. Elly had just had a seizure. I jumped up and went running into the house.

She was still out of it. My mom took a couple of times to understand what I was saying. Of course, I may have been a bit freaked out and difficult to understand. We got Elly and Evie both dressed and ready and headed outside. We were arranging who was going to put another car seat into my car, since Elly's was still damp from being washed out earlier. when Elly started seizing again.

I called work for an ambulance and sat down in the middle of the front yard with Elly.

I have talked dozens of parents through seizures before. It's a script that in my typical day I could probably read with my eyes closed. If you called 911 because your kid was having a seizure I could calm you down, dispatch you an ambulance and help you get through the experience without a moment's hesitation. But when my baby started having a seizure, I sat down in the yard and just tried not to cry.

I spend a very large part of my life dealing with other people's emergencies. From a choking to a cardiac arrest to baby momma drama, the severity of the emergency varies, but to the person on the other end of the line, it's still an emergency. I am trained to give emergency medical instructions over the phone and do so dozens of times a day. But nothing prepares you for when it's your emergency.

Elly's seizure lasted about 5 minutes. I definitely thought it was about 15 minutes. It took about 15 minutes for the paramedics to arrive. Luckily for me, one of my co-workers who happens to be an EMT, drove out to sit with us. Even after the seizure ended, it was nearly 10 minutes more before she started to actually wake up. It was so nerve-wracking to sit there holding her tiny limp body, watching her breathe, while I waited for her to come to.

By the time the medics arrived, Elly was awake and starting to come to. They took her temperature and it was 102.7. We all felt pretty confident that it might have been a febrile seizure. So, we decided to take Elly to the hospital. Nearly 7 hours later, Elly was released from the hospital. She had received 2 uber doses of Motrin and was sent home with another large dose of Ibuprofen. She'd had chest X-rays, blood tests, a catheter urine test, an IV run and had spent most of a night at the hospital. But they weren't able to find anything wrong with her other than the fever.

Needless to say, it was a bad night.

 The next day, I just wanted to sit and hold her, all day. Since the experience, I have had a hard time denying her something she asks for or fussing at her for something. My hubby fusses at me for not fussing at her. And for all the excess coddling she's gotten for the last few days. But this whole experience has made me really, really more appreciative of the two (almost three) wonderful kids I have. And I want to spend as much time as possible with them. I don't want to spend my time yelling at them for dumb stuff. Who cares if they get sticky fingers on the furniture, it'll wash. That's why we got leather furniture. Who cares if they dump all their blocks out in the floor, they're good kids, they'll at least HELP pick them up. If they want to drag every toy out of their toy box so they can climb into the toy box to have a tea party, that's fine. There's no point in sweating the small stuff, because when they're grown up, my kids won't really remember if there were finger prints on my tv or if the floors were occasionally sticky. They'll remember the times we spent together.

This doesn't mean I'm going all lax on my housekeeping and my home is going to become an unsanitary pig sty. Just that I'm going to make sure that I'm letting my kids be kids. And that I'm right there with them, playing and laughing.

I'm going to be a little slower to frustration and quicker to praise. When I think back on the day prior to Elly's seizure, so much of my time that day was spent griping at the girls for making messes, for fighting, for needing attention when I had other things to get done, etc. I was stressed trying to get everything done so I was quick to snap when they got into something. I even had a hormonal break down over the mess they made at lunch. I don't want to ever look back from a scary moment like that one with Elly and feel so much regret over a wasted day.

I hope that maybe some good will come from this. Something other than a new paranoia over fevers. I feel like this has had a pretty tremendous impact on me as a parent. Hopefully, Elly will never have another seizure. The doctor said many children outgrow them without having a second. But reassured us that febrile seizures do not affect IQ or development. They don't do any damage. They are mostly just terrifying. Either way, I hope that this is the only such "growing" experience that I have to go through like this.

The ASTOUNDING differences

Okay...so astounding might be a bit overstated. Maybe just the most obvious differences. This pregnancy isn't even halfway over and already the differences are pretty impressive.

I hope this doesn't become a whiny post. I really, really don't mean it as whining. Even in the most uncomfortable, I'm ready to have this baby NOW moments, I am ever grateful and appreciative of the miracle of life. I hate hearing those pregnant girls that just bitch and moan about the woes of pregnancy. There are times that being pregnant kinda sucks. I admit that. But please don't use being pregnant as your "Whine about everything" for free card. Of course, I am a little envious of those women who LOVE being pregnant and have no problems. But I try really hard not be one of those whiny ones. Even when I really want to whine!

Of course, every pregnancy is different. I know that. I learned that quite quickly in my second pregnancy. However, looking back, I can see the many similarities between the two pregnancies that this one doesn't have. Maybe I just didn't realize how similar they were until I experienced a TRULY different pregnancy.

One big difference has been the sickness. The only thing I can safely eat for breakfast is Multigrain Cheerios. Greasy stuff is a no-no. Overly sweet stuff is too. No fried bologna. No pancakes. No doughnuts. At least not on an empty stomach. If I eat something else first, then slightly greasy or a little sweet is manageable. Usually, I just stick with my cheerios.

For the first 9 weeks, I wasn't too sick in the mornings, but I got nauseous every afternoon around 2 p.m. and it would last a couple of hours. Then it disappeared. I got my energy back. Felt great. So good, that I called my doctor's office, embarrassed but concerned. Was it okay that I felt better already? The nurse assured me that it was.

Two weeks later however, that sickness came back with a vengeance. I spent an entire 24 hour period unable to keep food or water down. It sucked. It took nearly a week to learn to manage the sickness, between eating only certain foods and avoiding an empty stomach, focusing on protein and sucking on Preggie Pop Drops when I felt woozy. I still suffer from the nausea if I don't watch myself. If I get too hungry or eat the wrong stuff. But I haven't actually thrown up in about 2 weeks now. So, the Preggie Pop Drops are working.

I don't know if this sickness is going to go away or not. Hopefully once the baby is born I can get back to normal at least.  But for now I'm 14.5 weeks pregnant and still suffering from "morning" sickness.

Another difference has been my skin. With the previous pregnancies, I had a pretty major breakout the first couple of weeks after finding out I was pregnant. Weeks 4-6 or 8, I was back in my teenage years when I looked in the mirror. But then it went away! And for the next 6 months or so, I had glowing, healthy pregnancy skin! Also, my typical skin problems, like my eczema and dry skin, were nonexistent during my pregnancies. My hair was luxurious and stopped shedding. It was so healthy and pretty the whole pregnancy!

This time, my skin has continued to be awful. And my hair is so dry and brittle! I have had to return to the acne aisle and reinvest in face washes and scrubs that I used in adolescence. I've had to stop using previous lotions because they were just making the situation worse. With new lotions and washes, I have got it somewhat under control. But my face is definitely not the same as it was 6 months ago. And I don't know what to do for my hair. Just, trying to get through it I guess.

I've also been suffering from constant congestion this time around. My nose always feels a bit stuffy. I know allergies have already started up, and I have been dealing with those some as well. Last week, the allergy drainage turned into a sinus infection which then lead to a chest cold/cough. FUN! But even without the allergies, I have this continuous stuffy-headed feeling. It's a bit weird. I feel okay most of the time, and if I blow my nose nothing happens, but I just feel congested.

This time there has also been insomnia. For the first couple of months, I couldn't keep my eyes open past lunch time it seemed. By the time I got the girls home and in the bed, I was out. But now, I will lie awake until 2 or 3 a.m. and then wake up exhausted at 7 a.m. unless I take something. I tried exercising early in the day. Staying active to burn enough energy to be tired. Tried chamomile tea. Tried various sleep situations. The problem wasn't being tired. I was exhausted! Was all I could do to get the girls to bed and get myself ready for bed. The moment I climbed under the sheets however, I was WIDE awake. I spoke with my OB and she seemed pretty comfortable with me taking a Benadryl at night to help me sleep. Of course, I have such a wussy tolerance for meds, I can't take a full dose of Benadryl. I can't even take half a dose! I take a quarter dose, or half a Benadryl, to help me sleep. That way I'm able to sleep about 8 hours at night.

So far, weight gain has been slow but steady, which is a nice difference. I look slightly pregnant in maternity stuff, but if I wear something baggy, I mostly look a lil chubby in the middle. The baby has continued to measure about a week ahead and I'm anxious for him/her to get to those big kicks and flips and twists. Despite the many challenges, I feel good. Only 4 more weeks until the BIG ultrasound. It will be so nice to be at the halfway point in the pregnancy, know the baby's gender and see that everything is okay with the baby.

Everyone says that with all the differences in the this pregnancy, it just HAS to be a boy! But we shall see!