Tough to be a Toddler

I was trying to help Evie explain to me what was wrong over the weekend when it sort of dawned on me. My goodness! It must be so hard to be a toddler. I don't think I've ever really thought about how hard it must be for her. Not that I've been terribly insensitive (at least I don't think so) about her two-year-old issues. But I don't think it's really ever clicked for me how tough it must be.

Can you imagine having the mental capacity to feel and imagine and think all that a two-year-old can, without having the words to convey any of it. A two-year-old just doesn't have the life experience to explain what's going on. Hell, I'm (almost) 26 and I don't have the ability to explain what's wrong sometimes. Sometimes even I just want to sit in the floor and cry for a couple of minutes. So how can I blame her?

Silly as it seems, this realization has totally renewed my outlook on the terrible twos. The last couple of weeks, with all of Evie's sleep problems, potty training, possibly getting molars and a random stomach thing, I have been so unbelievably tired of her. Horrible. I know. But it seems like she's good for everyone else, and the moment we're alone she's a little demon spawn. She's beating on her sister's head with a plastic elephant. She's slapping me for telling her no. She's throwing the remote at the television because I won't let her watch ANOTHER episode of Dora. She's screaming and throwing her pull-up at me because she doesn't want to go potty. She's ripping pages out of her books and pulling all of her clothes out of her drawers and pouring her juice out in the floor just because she can.

I'm at my wits end with her! I honestly don't even know what to do. In tears the other night I asked Josh what we were doing wrong. Why had our once sweet baby become this hateful creature? He just shrugged. I have asked so many of my fellow parent friends what's wrong with her and everyone just keeps assuring me it's terrible twos.

So, realizing that so many of our problems lately have been due to some serious communication break-downs has really changed my mood. Communications is my thing. I love language and learning everything about it. One of my favorite classes in college was History of the English language. Did you know that English is one of the most difficult languages to learn? Because English is a bastard language, derived from Germanic roots and an attempt to blend in French vocabulary. So many of its rules have exceptions and but's. It's incredibly difficult to learn! Look, you learned something today!

So the idea that Evie's behavior problems are stemming not from a discipline issue but a communication issue completely changes the game for me. I had no idea how to change my discipline tactics to adapt to Evie's increasing outbursts and defiance. Putting her in time-out either made her more angry or completely crushed her ego most of the time, neither of which is the purpose of time-out. I don't want Evie to see me as an evil and ruthless dictator. I'm her parent. I love her. I want her to KNOW that I love her. While I don't want her to think she has nothing to fear from breaking the rules, I also don't want her to fear me. Does that make sense? I don't want to beat her because she throws a fit. It seems counterproductive. And cruel. A smack on the bottom may be a necessary form of discipline but hitting her for hitting someone else seems to be a rather mixed message. So, I felt like none of my discipline techniques were working. And now I understand why! Because discipline wasn't the issue!

Since this epiphany, I have taken a different approach to life with Evie and ya know what? It has worked! Of course, Evie does still have tantrums because she's mad that she isn't getting her way. And for those a time out has sufficed.

(Humorous side note: I told Evie to got to time-out for hitting her sister. She pointed at the potty and said she needed to Potty. I was pretty upset over the hitting her sister and told Evie no, that she need time-out. I was assuming that she was just using the potty as an excuse to avoid time out, because she is pretty wily. She picked up her potty and carried it with her to the time-out corner. Too funny!)

But when she has a meltdown for no apparent reason I have sat down with her and asked her to try to explain what was wrong. Through asking yes and no questions, I've usually been able to figure it out and usually it's frustration over not being able to say exactly what she wants that is causing her to scream and cry.

Her mind is growing so fast that it's astounding! But she still doesn't always have the words to say what she means. How frustrating that must be. Every day she says new words. Yesterday she said "bunk bed," "check book," "orange" and "money." She thanked a clerk at the store and told him bye. It's so amazing to see. But as fast as she's learning new things to say, she understands so much more. She's starting to understand letters and numbers and math and rhymes. She gets feelings and schedules and time (not by a clock, but prepositional time, like before and after and later). She's beginning to show some real compassion and empathy for her little sister and even sharing and playing with her. Evie's imagination has grown in leaps and bounds as well. She has little tea parties for her animals and pretends to be a super hero "flying" up and down the hall.

But I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to understand SO much and not be able to express it. So I'm practicing a bit more compassion and trying to be more understanding when she melts down instead of being upset and frustrated. So far, it seems to be helping.