How much do I love spring?

So, so very much!

Warm weather is here. And although I keep having to close the windows and turn the heat on at night I can tell that warm weather is here to stay. And I am so happy.

I don't know how much of it is psychological, physiological or just logical, but winter is depressing. Even as my preggo butt was waddling around sweating while it was 30 degrees outside this past January, I was so looking forward to warm weather. One, because by January I was getting tired of being pregnant. Again. But even while I was grateful that it wasn't 90 degrees (because I've had one summer pregnancy and it sucked), I really wished it were spring. I hate that everything is so dead and brown and depressing in the winter.

I love watching as my day lilies come up and my daffodils. The small tender shoots pushing up through last year's mulch and dead leaves. 

Daffodils are just such happy spring flowers.

Warm weather makes life so much better. So much easier. Especially with kids. All winter I was hard-pressed to find ways to entertain Evie. She's a ball of energy and most days the weather just didn't make it feasible to take her outside. Even if she were bundled up in multiple layers. It was just always so icy and icky. And I can't get a one year old to work a puzzle or read a book all morning. That lasts about two minutes. Then she's ripping pages out and chewing on the spine of the book or tossing puzzle pieces at the dog. I don't think there are many toddlers who are big on sedentary activities, but if there are mine is certainly not one of them.

Now that the weather is nice, we are outside every chance we get. And this summer we'll be hitting the parks and pools all the time. As a result, Evie is taking the best naps she's taken since she learned to walk. And is going to bed on time without any argument. She's eating well, has a little color in her cheeks and generally seems to be a happier kid than she has been for the last 6 months.

She loves taking walks down the street. We live in a pretty quiet neighborhood with lots of kids so my husband and I let her just run ahead a short distance and explore.

She is in a "what is that" phase right now so she spends the whole walk pointing and asking "Dat?" and waiting for a response. It can be completely exasperating to tell her over and over "tree," "bird," "car," "truck" etc. But I just take a deep breath and remember that a few months ago I was worried about if she'd ever start talking.

Today Evie got to blow out her first dandelion.

She more patted it than blew on it. But that's okay. It was still adorable. Her daddy loved getting to show her how to do something.

This is Evie's first real spring. I mean last year she was still more of a "squab" as my great grandmother called them. Squab being a baby that isn't able to really do anything yet. Of course last year she could sit up by this time. But she couldn't get around and really see and feel everything. She couldn't crush the dandelions, pick up sticks, stomp the hosta, crunch the leaves or any of the other exciting ways she has to explore and experience the world this year.

She just loves to be outside and getting into stuff. She has been very impressed by flowers and birds and trees and more birds. Birds are one of her new favorites. Especially since Mimi brought one of her domesticated doves inside for Evie to pet the other day. Since then it's gone from enthusiastic interest to fanatic obsession. A little creepy. Pointing out every bird that she spots and even accusing airplanes of being birds.

Some days it sort of feels like I'm taking a bad puppy outside, constantly yelling at her to get away from the road, come back up the hill, stay out of the neighbors yard or to stop chewing on a stick but other days it's like I'm experiencing the great outdoors for the first time myself. She wants to see whats under all the rocks. She wants to feel the azaleas and the bark on the tree. She wants me to label every plant, bird, dog, rock and twig for her. And its awesome! Her enthusiasm is contagious and I love it. Every thing seems even more fresh and new.

It has made this spring even more beautiful and inspiring. I have felt completely renewed over the last couple of weeks. I am loving this spring and I cannot wait for the next pretty day!

Ahhh...

So, warm weather is officially here in the south east.

Over the weekend I took both girls outside. And it was delicious! Elly loved it.

"This is the life...

Kicking back in my shades...rocking my sunhat. Just chillin. Got my peacock toy to wrestle with and attempt to get to my mouth...

"Uh...Momma...did you remember the sunscreen?"

Crap.

Balancing life with two in diapers

For the most part, I think the girls and I have achieved a comfortable balance when we're home together. We've kind of fallen into a good groove of getting up and getting everyone fed. Getting everything together for the day, getting everyone dressed and then playing for awhile until time to load up and drive to Mimi's.

From our conversations it sounds like my mom has also achieved this balance. My poor husband hasn't quite gotten there yet, but he's only kept the girls by himself a few times. Balance seems to be achieved through trials and hardships. Like a merit badge, you have to put in a certain amount of time. Due to his weird work schedule it just hasn't worked out for him to keep the girls by himself but a few times. I think he'll get there. The last time he kept them seemed to go much better than the time before.

Well, I don't get anywhere the amount of time with  my oldest that I used to. I guess that's one of the more obvious things that happens when you have an additional child. The first one can't get as much time, especially since the first one is a little bit more self-sufficient. And of course the baby is anything but self-sufficient. However, she can get her hand to her mouth all by herself now. And she is really proud of that. But I think that means she's going to be a thumb sucker. *sigh* Thumb sucking is a much harder habit to break than a pacifier. Hard to take a kid's thumb away. Especially if you don't have a good saw. That's a joke. I'm not going to saw Elly's thumb off. Not yet at least.

This morning I actually got to play with Evie. Everything was taken care of. I was ready for work, all the bags were prepared and Elly was happily doing tummy time.

And by happy, I mean screaming, tears streaming down her face, hands pulling the blanket into little damp wads. Why is it that my babies just despise tummy time? Do all babies hate tummy time?

They can't possibly have always hated tummy time because there are pictures of me being quite pleasant while lying on my tummy as an infant. And back when my generation was small, doctors told parents to put babies to sleep on their tummy. They thought then that SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) was possibly caused by babies spitting up in their sleep and choking to death or aspirating because a baby was on its back and unable to expel the vomit. In the 1990s doctors decided that babies were dying because they were rebreathing too much air when they slept on their stomachs, therefore not taking in enough oxygen and essentially suffocating themselves. I recently read a news article that scientists had found a gene that seemed to be common among babies which had died from SIDS. So it may be genetically linked. They're now beginning work on a test that can be administered to newborns to determine which babies are predisposed to suffer from SIDS. That will allow parents and doctors to monitor those babies more closely hopefully reducing the number of SIDS cases to practically nil. While the "Back to Sleep" campaign has cut down on the number of SIDS cases it has led to parents having to implement "tummy time" for their babies so that they can develop the muscles in their necks, back, arms and abs that allow them to hold and lift their heads, push up on their arms and eventually sit up unassisted and crawl. Basically babies are born with mushy useless muscles and tummy time builds the foundation which leads to every major physical milestone in the first two years of life. Neat stuff huh?

So, Elly has to suffer through several short sessions of tummy time each day. As Evie can attest I'm kind of a tummy time nazi. I was fierce and strict when it came to tummy time. Every single day at least 20 minutes overall and I preferred her to do 30. As a result she was sitting unassisted by four months old and walking at 10 months old. So poor Sissy is suffering through my relentless reign of terror now. I'm a dictator. I can't help it.

Meanwhile, Evie and I got to play with her Little People. I think Evie is adorable about 98% of the time. Even during some of her tantrums she's pretty cute. So watching her play and act out this little family is just precious. She makes the people do some hilarious stuff and I don't know where she comes up with it. One day the mom made the dad and the baby go onto the roof. Time out maybe? Evie loves putting the dog in the stroller and having the mom take it for a walk. She loves setting them up and moving them around and of course pushing all the buttons that make noises. The phone rings, the toilet flushes, the bath makes giggling and bubbling noises. The washing machine swishes and buzzes. I love this little house. Its precious and since it was my big idea for a Christmas present it makes me feel like I did a good job every time she drags it out.

For some reason, Evie loves wearing this monkey/leash that her Aunt Whitney got her for Christmas. I think its adorable. But its just some weird toddler nuance. She wore it all night yesterday and now all morning today. She cried when I made her take it off so we could go to Mimi's. Go figure.

Evie still doesn't talk as much as I'd like her to so when we play I make her tell me what everything is. This is the Momma. This is the Dada. This is the baby. This is the dog. Isn't it sweet that the dog is riding in a stroller to the breakfast table? I thought so.

Now a pig has joined the breakfast foray. I think once a dog and farm animals have joined the family at the table it goes from a simple meal to a foray.

I thought this was incredibly interesting because we've been lackadaisically trying to potty train Evie. Look! The baby is using the potty! Yay! Way to go baby. And the mom is taking a bubble bath. I wish.

Look at that sweet face! So serious...

I miss having more time to play with Evie. I know one day, eventually, and it will be here before I know it, Sissy will be playing with us. Soon she won't need bottles every few hours and diapers and burping and comforting and rocking. It will be far too soon that she'll be starting school and learning to drive and heading off to college. Everyone tells me to slow down and enjoy every minute but I still can't wait til Elly is a little older and the balance is easier.

While we have achieved some degree of balance and happiness, I think life will be easier in a few more months. Now I get up and feed Elly before Evie gets up. That way I can be done with Elly and fix Evie something for breakfast and take care of her once she's up. Then back to taking care of Elly for awhile. Then getting some chores done. Then snack and playtime with Evie. And then getting things done, either in preparation for work or chores if its a weekend. Then off to work. I only have a few hours in the mornings before we leave. Then in the evenings when we get home I have barely enough time to get them both ready for bed, eat a quick supper myself and then it's time for stories while I feed lil Sissy a bottle and put Evie to bed. I feel like its a huge rush with little time for the little ones. But it works.

A year from now things will be completely different too. Elly will be a fully functional toddler and Evie will be a 2.5 year old. Hopefully talking much more and even more self-sufficient than she is now. Bed time will be less me doing everything for them and more of them helping me. And thank goodness, no more bottles! Bath night will be a breeze because they'll be able to share a bath. I feel like I've made this speech before...and I probably have. I've probably typed a nearly identical narrative more than once. I apologize but I'm just clinging to that as the light at the end of the tunnel. The oh-so-bright future that will be a reward for the hard work we're all putting in now.

For now, I savor the moments that I get to sit down with Evie and play with blocks or Little People or just read a book while Elly is snoozing or playing happily. I try to make sure I take time every day to spend alone with each girl, just a few minutes for a hug and some loving if there isn't time for more. I think I need it at least as much as they do, if not more.

The one day last week that I was off work and took Evie downtown to do some shopping then went to Walmart (Woot!) to pick up a few things was the best day I can remember having in a long, long time. We were gone all morning and had the absolute best time. I asked Evie when we got back into the car if she had had fun. She looked at me, grinned, nodded real hard, and said "Yeah!" I honestly got tears in my eyes. My dear sweet girl.

Hard to believe that just a year ago that sweet girl was a chunky ball of cuddle monster with fat rolls everywhere.

Cute huh? I totally agree.

We've survived!

I hate to be overly enthusiastic...

This early into the game...it could jinx us. But...two months down. We've made it this far. I remember the first two months being the hardest with Evie. Though of course it was a cake walk compared to the two months with Elly. From that point on, baby's immune system improves dramatically, baby starts being awake more during the day, sleeping better at night, holding her head up well and just generally becoming easier to take care of. Two more months and we'll be starting cereal and solids and baby will be more like a person than a high-maintenance time-suck.

So we went to Elly's two month check-up today. She laughed and smiled while we waited for the doctor to come check her. I undressed her per the nurse's instructions. We walked around the room looking at the art work and "talking."

She loved the art work. She stared at this one painting and wouldn't look at me...

No matter how many times I cooed and said her name.

She was in love. Completely and utterly in love. 

Nothing would draw her away from this picture. And being a little person barely experienced in this world she couldn't be getting more from the picture than just being awed by the colors. Though it's a neat picture of a construction site with lots of labeling and little interesting people.

She stared at it from the time I got her clothes back on her after the doctor left us until the nurse came to give her the injections. 

While we waited for the doctor I marveled at how much different she is from Evie. It's amazing how much difference there can be in two personalities. I can't wait to see how much different and alike they are when they're older and really have their "own" personality. When Evie was a baby she was either crying or she wasn't. There weren't a lot of "noises" in between. She did the "ah-goo" type stuff eventually but nothing like what Elly does. Elly talks all the time. Grunts and coos and makes little "ah" and "ooh" and "eww" noises. I've even heard some consonant type noises. Her smile is just adorable and the rare laughs I can get from her are just too precious. 

I also marveled at how much simpler going to the doctor was with just one baby. Especially when that baby wasn't sick.

The doctor said she had "perfect skin" and looked "great." Her weight is in the 94 percentile and her height is 66 percentile. She's growing great and is doing really well. I asked the doctor about Elly's tongue, which seems really short. My husband was born "tongue-tied" and it's something that I've worried about one of our children having. He had a procedure done at 18 months old to actually snip the membrane under his tongue slightly making it easier for him to talk. The doctor said that she does seem to be a little tongue-tied and its something else we will have to monitor. *sigh* So now we're monitoring a large hemangioma on Elly's forehead and a membrane under her tongue. The doctor said many children are able to stretch the membrane out on their own without any procedure.

Which is good. Because I don't like hospitals. And I don't ever want to need to take one of my babies back to one.

 I don't want to see this again...and I hope you understand why. This...is heartbreaking.

I want to see more of this...

And this...

 

I love sleeping babies. They warm the cockles of my heart. :-) As do baby feet. 

Like these. I could just kiss them. And I do. 

But back to our doctor's appointment. All in all the doctor deemed her to be in excellent health. Told me to keep up the good work and that she'd see me in a couple of months. Then we had to wait for the nurse to come with the shots. Which SUCKED. Poor little Elly. It's hard to grasp what a baby's impression of their first real physical pain is. I mean, shots HURT. Really hurt. And this is the first time a baby has experienced anything like that. Elly didn't just scream. She wailed. And yelled. And cried. And pulled my hair. I'm not sure but I think the last was intentional. If it wasn't she made it look pretty intentional. 

But she survived. And we dried off her face and put her little pants back on. She cried a little more. I gave her the paci back and put her in her car seat. About 30 seconds later she was asleep. 

Leaving the doctor's office I was still elated that we had all made it to this important milestone. Maybe we can survive this after all!

The wisdom of a weather radio

So, I've told my husband I want to buy a weather radio. In the last week, our quiet little county nestled in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains has experienced two tornadoes. Count em, two. No joke.

I remember when we moved to North Carolina from Southwestern Virginia and I experienced my first tornado drill at school. I was in the seventh grade and I had seen the movie Twister (Remember that movie? With the flying cow? I loved the line "Another cow...No, I think that's the same cow."). I remember crouching in the hallways with our heads on our knees and our hands over our heads while the teachers walked by and inspected our "the world is ending" positions and thinking that it was ridiculous to put us out in the hallways because there were HUGE glass doors at the ends of all of the hallways. I asked my mom if we really were going to get tornadoes. I was suddenly afraid we had moved from the quiet mountains to tornado alley. When she told me that there had never been a lot of tornadoes, just a small one here and there, I felt much more relaxed. And she was right.

Since that day 13 years ago, I can count on one hand the number of confirmed tornadoes that we've had. Can probably count on both hands the number of times the county has been placed under a tornado warning (That's the elevated level. The one where the news tells you to seek cover that a tornado MAY be heading your way).

But now suddenly, we're having these devastating storms. I was shocked when I came to work last week and was informed that we'd had a tornado in the county overnight. That it had done a great deal of damage. And worse, that it hadn't been far from my house. The wind and rain had woke me up but it never crossed my mind to think it might be a tornado. Or even to check the weather for warnings. I just assumed it was a big thunderstorm and went back to bed.

While a little frightening, especially after driving through the area and seeing how much damage our F1 tornado had done, I wrote it off as one of those fluke things. Then two nights later, there is a second tornado warning. Several of my friends admitted to having actually hid out in the basement or middle of their homes fearing for their safety.

So now I'm worried. I slept through two tornadoes without having any knowledge that we were even under a tornado warning. I didn't want to be in bed asleep and have a tornado hit our home and one of my children get hurt. And that is my biggest fear. So the next step is, how can I be alerted to the fact that a tornado is coming?

I get weather alerts on my phone. And in theory those could wake me up. Assuming my stupid Weather Bug actually sends me the alert. But I also get Facebook updates, text messages, emails and various other alerts on my phone that cause my phone to make noise nearly 24 hours a day. In order to get my weather alerts, I'd have to leave my phone on all night meaning I would also hear every other noise. So I don't really like that idea.

The other option suggested to me is a weather radio. Apparently the National Weather Service sets off alerts for these radios to wake people when some sort of dangerous weather is predicted in their area. I like this idea. Working as a telecommunicator/dispatcher I'm pretty familiar with the idea of some government entity setting off a pager on my device so I'm aware of a situation. At work we do it hundreds of times a day for fire fighters, rescue squads and paramedics. Alert tones sound and a message follows. After investigating weather radios more, I find them to be a reasonable price and available from my #1 online retailer, Amazon.com.

So the next step is talking to the hubby. And I did. And his response?

"From experience if your house gets hit even by a F1 and you're in the middle like you're supposed to be you're not going to survive."

And this is what he tells me to talk me out of the weather radio. Saying that even if I hear the warning and get myself and the babies into the basement in time we aren't going to survive. Yeah, that makes me feel better. I gave him the most scathing look I could muster and told him that our impending doom didn't sway me from wanting to get a radio.

And yes, he lived in Oklahoma for several years. But he clearly survived and they had numerous tornadoes. So by golly I want a weather radio. And once we get one there will probably never be another tornado warning. But that's okay. The babies will be safe. And let me tell you, its all about the babies!

Challenges of "bonding" with a sick baby

Please don't judge me for this. But I'm going to admit something that a lot of people may think less of me for. I didn't start really "loving" Elly til sometime in the second month. Before you close the window and unfriend me on Facebook, give me a chance to explain.

From pregnancy, I loved Elly. I did. I'm her mom and I'm biologically programmed by surging hormones to protect, love and care for the baby I conceive and carry. It's something that no matter how good a dad a man may be he will never really understand. He just can't. This person walking around may share 50% of his DNA, but it isn't part of his body. Until the umbilical cord is cut, Mom and baby share a body. They share emotions, hormones, foods, sounds, smells...literally everything. Scientists have discovered that babies react to emotions beyond just an accelerated pulse or elevated blood pressure. They are calm when Mom is happy. They smile, frown, kick, draw up, yawn and more in response to their mom's emotions. Psychologists have discovered that an important part of development for a baby is learning that it and Mom are two different beings. That's why babies initially have separation anxiety: they don't understand that Mom isn't part of them. Discovering how separate they are lasts up into adolescence. It's the big battle of the teenage years -- asserting that you are NOT your parents. And moms feel every disappointment, every triumph, every major event in their child's life as if it were their own. We are just designed by Mother Nature. How else could those squirmy, helpless babies survive 10 minutes outside the womb? If someone wasn't there wanting to love them and cuddle them and provide for them?

I loved Elly. I loved her from the plus sign on the pee-stick. I loved her first kicks and I loved her first cries. I was elated to see that she had a head-full of dark hair (which is what I had dreamed Evie would look like...imagine my surprise to be holding a blond baby! Especially since myself and my husband are brunettes). Although I felt the expected post-partum euphoria (Woohoo hormones!) I didn't have the obsessive desire to do everything for Elly myself like I did with Evie. I didn't feel like I needed to hold her all the time. I didn't worry about her stopping breathing and lay awake watching her like I did Evie. It was a much different experience.

When we got home I began experiencing more of the protective, I-want-to-take-care-of-her-myself feelings. I felt closer to her and we all settled into a kind of groove as a family of four. Things were good and I was happy. I actually thought I was having an easier time with the postpartum hormones than I'd had with Evie. Then Elly got sick, and I went a couple of weeks without sleeping and days without seeing Evie...and...in all honesty, I was angry. Not AT Elly, because obviously it wasn't her fault. But at the same time I was angry WITH her, if you can get the difference in nuance. I was angry that my family felt like it had been torn apart by this little person who didn't really care anything about any of us. Babies aren't really born loving or caring. They're very selfish little things if you think about it. And this uncaring person just came in and wrecked our lives. She was in the hospital. Then when she came home she was still coughing and wheezing and I was worried about her. She was puking all the time on everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. It was the hardest month I've been through. And it wasn't just a few days. It was honestly 5 or 6 weeks.



I came back to work thinking simultaneously, "Hallelujah, no one will be puking on me" and "Holy Shit, how can I survive working and babies when I barely survived just babies?" The first day I left both girls at my mom's house I didn't cry a bit. I wasn't really sad or worried like I was with Evie. I was a little nervous for my mom...a whole day dealing with both kids is pretty overwhelming. But I didn't cry that I had left my baby. Only later in the day did it strike me as odd.

Really, only now that I feel super lovey-dovey towards Elly has it dawned on me that I didn't feel this way before. I don't think that this whole ordeal will have any lasting impact on Elly. She certainly won't remember and from the way she laughs and smiles at me, she hasn't had any issues bonding with ME. But dealing with a sick baby is hard. On a lot of levels.

On one level you love the baby but you're afraid you might be losing the baby and so you're afraid to do too much bonding. But at the same time you want to spend as much time as possible because you're afraid it's all you have. Very conflicting. Once you're out of that dark patch, you have this massive amount of work to do. You deprive yourself of sleep, meals, personal time, bathing, all to take care of this baby. And you don't have years or even months of a fulfilling, positive relationship that you've built to sort of borrow against. You've had days or weeks. You don't have fond memories to recall to remind you of what this is all for. You have vomit in your hair, a pile of laundry that smells like sour milk, your second pot of coffee and a headache because you can't remember the last time you ate but you know it wasn't even yesterday. It's just hard to grow a lot of warm fuzzies in that kind of environment.

I want to repeat that I have always loved Elly. I did. But there were times that I didn't feel very attached to her. I just didn't feel the same level of bond as I had with Evie. And there were times when I seriously questioned why I'd had a second child. But things are way way better. I absolutely love snuggling up to Elly on the nights she sleeps with me. I melt when she smiles and I cannot wait to hear her say Momma. I love her as much as I love Evie.

I don't envy people who have really sick babies. Babies who spend weeks in the NICU or months in the hospital. I just don't know how they survive. How they put themselves through it every day. I don't know if I was weak. Or if part of my issues were also my postpartum hormones...possibly even a variety of postpartum depression. I'm sure that certainly played a big part. I don't know if other parents have similar issues bonding with their sick babies. Honestly, I'm scared to ask. I don't want to know how much worse I was than they were.

I am happy to say that I'm infatuated with both of my girls these days. And I cannot imagine life without them both.

I am a total slacker...but a hard-working one!

I have got to get more on myself about blogging. I am so sorry.

In my defense, working full-time and mommying two babies full-time has been much more of a challenge than I anticipated. And it feels like work is my break. Yeah, hope my boss doesn't read that. But it is. Its the time when I get to check my email and play Angry Birds Rio (I am NEVER going to beat that stupid game) and have not a single sticky-handed person pull on my pants leg and yell "Momma Juice!" or "Momma milk!" or "Momma Momma Momma Momma!" except she's still only 20 months old so her English ain't quite that clear. But you get the idea.

I love being home with my babies. I wish we could financially handle me not working, or at least not working full-time. But we can't. I wish I had known in 2003 what I know now. I wish I could go back to young college-bound me and shake me REALLY hard. Or even 2007, graduating-moving-buying a house-getting married me. I packed way too much into that six month period and as a result I didn't really get to savor any of it. But if I had known how much debt all that would have accumulated and how much I would hate having that debt hanging over me now, I would have made some much different decisions. And then I might be at home right this minute putting one baby down for her nap and getting a bottle ready for the other. I might be spending this afternoon playing outside with Evie and enjoying this 70 degree weather rather than trapped in a cold, concrete building, staring at computer screens and wearing my sweatshirt with the heater going. Just THINKING about it makes me a little bummed and teary-eyed. But regrets really get you nowhere. So whereas I would LOVE to be at home, being driven crazy by my toddler, I'm not. I am fortunate enough to have a job that I absolutely love though. One that if I didn't have to work I would still work part-time at because I love it that much. So while I'm one of the indebted millions trying to fight out of credit card debt and mortgage debt and I don't want to even talk about student loans...I'm one of the lucky ones.

I have developed a couple of feasible scenarios which would allow me to stay home and work only part-time. But they would require being at least marginally less buried in bills than we currently are and paying off the people to whom we owe money takes time. Valuable time that I'm missing with my little people. Unless I win the lottery. Which I don't consider a feasible scenario. Especially considering I have never bought a lottery ticket.

 But until we're able for me to quit work or cut back to just part-time I will be a full-time working full-time mommying woman with a more than full plate and dramatically less time to blog than I wish I had. Sorry. I have things I'd love to blog about but I just never seem to have time.