A lot of things cross your mind when you see that little plus sign on the pee stick. Even if you are "ready" to be a parent there is that overwhelming feeling of "Holy Crap...is this really happening." I cannot imagine the terror of realizing you're about to be a parent when you're not at a place in your life where a kid is going to be feasible. Like these poor teenage moms on "16 and Pregnant," the MTV reality show that I love. Gosh. I know that many of them bring it on themselves by having unprotected sex but still.
Being a parent is hard. I'm told that it only gets harder as they get older and since my eldest daughter is now full-blown into terrible twos (I only THOUGHT we were having tantrums a month ago...no, no...I see now the error of my ways) I can't really fathom dealing with two teenage girls. In fact, I'm going to just pretend that I'm going to get to skip age 13-18 with both my children.
Being a parent is a tough, 24/7, no holidays or vacation time, no overtime sort of occupation. It's like nothing else you've ever done before and I don't think there's really any way to prepare yourself for it. There's no test to study for, no class to take, no detailed list of of to-do and not-to-do...sure you've got nine months but you could have 90 and you're not really ready when the nurse hands you that warm, gooey little person that you just brought into the world. Nine months of hopes and dreams and prayers coalesced into a sticky being with ten fingers and ten toes and a whole life time of possibilities.
And you thought looking at that plus sign was scary! It's only then that you realize the true terror of being a parent. The what-ifs and who-dids and how-tos. The epic fragility of a precious new life that you can hold in your arms. It is no less awe-inspiring the second time around either.
The baby books tell you all about the easy stuff you give up. And of course you quickly figure out that there is no longer any such thing as "sleeping in" on the weekends. But there are so many things that you don't even realize you've given up until someone points it out.
For example, loud music while driving. The other day I was driving without the kids for a change and a song I liked came on the radio so I turned it up a couple notches. Then I realized, what the heck, and really cranked up the radio and jammed out on the way to work. I hadn't realized until then how long it had been since I listened to music loud.
And grown-up television. I stay permanently behind in all my tv shows. I've got them all DVR'd but of course I don't want to watch things with blood or violence while Evie is up so there are very few opportunities to get caught up. Heaven forbid I want to watch a movie!
The ways that my life has changed have been for the better. After all I was getting to old to drink and party during the week and overindulging isn't good for your health any day. So having kids has helped with that. But there are a couple of things I miss. Not that I would change any of it or give up a moment that I've had with my girls.
But I do miss getting to sit in the sun and read some on the weekends. I know one day I'll get to do it again. I hope I still enjoy it as much as I used to. I miss being able to just get in the car and go to the store, or get something to eat without it being a big production involving diaper bags, packing snacks. filling sippy cups and making sure we're back in time for naps and bottles. Heck, I miss getting to go to the bathroom without company. Evie has to either come with me or she stands at the door screaming the whole time.
I also miss being able to find things in my house (like my shoes, which Evie loves to get out, wear around the house, and then hide from me). Sometimes I miss being able to get mad and throw a tantrum, because I used to be really good at losing my temper and throwing things. My cell phone has fared much better now that I am having to keep that in check. I miss feeling like I had any idea what I was doing. I miss my sanity and occasionally miss getting to sleep in. But those few things are so infinitesimal that I only miss them on the really bad days.
If you'd told me two years ago that I would love the constant noise and activity of having two kids I'd have thought you were crazy. But love it I do. I hate hearing my house unnaturally silent when my babies aren't home. It's depressing. Though the quiet of nap time is a welcome break from screams and tantrums lately. I love toys littering the living room floor and little feet pattering into my room first thing in the morning to snuggle up under the covers with me. I love cleaning sticky little hand prints off my front door every Saturday because it reminds me of all the times Evie stands at the door and yells "Hey!" or "Dog!" or "Bird!" or "Moo!" and it makes me grin. I love the magnets on my fridge, the animal cracker crumbs on my ottoman, the board books stacked around the house, the weird places I find Little People toys, watching Evie and Elly blow raspberries back and forth and discovering that I can in fact carry two babies at once.
There are so many things about parenting that no book or well-meaning friend can prepare you for. The moments of overwhelming helplessness when trying to comfort a sick child. The moments of unbelievable joy the first time your child walks or says "Mama." The ways your life will change that you don't even understand. While parenthood has many many challenges, I love every minute of it!
=D
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