Five Years Already Gone

In just one day, my oldest child will be five.

Five.

Five. Years. Old.

This strikes me as both euphoric and tragic. I'm elated and depressed.

On one hand, it seems impossible that already 1,825 days have come and gone since she came into my life. On the other, it has been a long journey to get where we are.

Little Evelyn is going to be a very powerful young woman one day. Her personality and will are a force to be reckoned with and she has a stubborn streak that I will swear she gets entirely from her daddy. She is beautiful, inside and out, but she can also be quite calculating and hard. She is determined. And with determination, the wants and needs of others frequently falls to the wayside. She can be very tender and her feelings are easily bruised. Her ego is frequently fragile and she wants lots of encouragement. To describe her as high maintenance would be an understatement many days. But she knows what she wants and how she wants it, and far be it from me to find fault in her strong sense of self. Just as long as she does it politely that is. I cannot abide rudeness or a hateful attitude. No matter how small the package it comes in!

Part of her eccentricities are due to her SPD and part are just how she is. I suppose since the SPD is part of who she is that makes all of them solely hers. But I think you know what I mean.

Five is a big deal. Although she won't actually start school this year (a decision that I feel is that right one yet still grapple with emotionally some days) she's not a "little kid" anymore. She's five.

Evie says she will be bigger once she's five. And she will ride a bike without training wheels. She will be able to go places on her own (yeah, right.). She will be big and she will get to do what other big kids do (though if you ask her, she doesn't know exactly what that is).

I think little kids feel about five the way adolescents feel about 16. It's a big deal.

For me, it really feels like she's not a baby anymore. Though I know she still sleeps with a night light and she likes for me to leave her door open until she dozes off. She still likes for me to fiddle with her hair and tell her she's my very favorite Evie before I tuck her in. Her favorite place to watch tv is curled up on my lap with her hand on mine. Just as it has been for years.

But she longer rushes to hold my hand when we are out places. She doesn't delight as much in being toted hither and fro. She would much rather be down and exploring on her own. She doesn't want me to do things for her as much like brush her teeth and wash her hands. She wants to do it herself.

But, wow. Five.

The two's and three's are behind us. With her SPD much better managed now, I have a lot of hope and enthusiasm for future changes. I know she will only continue to improve as we continue to work. Four was a good year. Lots of developments. Reading, writing, coloring in the lines. Five is going to be HUGE. I feel a bit daunted thinking of handling this year on my own (no teachers!) with two other littles to keep up with. But I hope it goes well. I think it will. Maybe. It's going to be fine...I hope.

I remember worrying when she was born if there was any way that I could remember all the things that I cherished so much from when she was a baby. And I'm glad to say that so far I do. The ferocity of that first kick (should have been a warning!). The warm weight of her the first time I got to hold her, big eyes just taking everything in. Not being able to sleep the first week (okay, maybe month) for worrying about her. Worrying she was too hot, too cold, too tightly swaddled, not tight enough. Worrying that she might suddenly stop breathing (Honestly, I still check their breathing every night before I go to bed. It's okay to think I'm crazy.). I remember the amazement the first time she rolled over on her own. Pouring through the baby books to make sure we were doing everything, she was doing everything, everyone was doing everything exactly "right." The joy of watching her daddy make her laugh for the first time (Could you ever imagine how perfect a sound could be, before you heard your child laugh?). Holding her until she dozed off every night and hating to put her down. Her first words, her first steps. Oh, how my heart raced with pride! Her big open-mouthed kisses. They were messy, but oh so sweet.

And now she's five. Instead of styling her hair with her food she's asking to be excused from the table when she's done. Instead of gnawing on her shoes, she picks out a pair that matches her outfit and puts them back where they belong when she's done. Instead of singing refrigerators and bouncing zebras, she's playing with Barbies and Legos and riding bicycles.

It's hard to watch them grow up. To know that it's all going by so quickly and that before you know it they won't need you and they'll be off living their own life. Instead of worrying about them choking on hot dogs (although even adults choke on those bad boys) or accidentally running into the street, you'll be worrying about the kinds of friends they have and what kind of college they're going to go to and if that guy she's dating is actually good enough (answer is NO.).

But it's a wonderful, miraculous blessing. Being a part of their precious lives and helping them grow. Watching them change and evolve and develop. It is amazing. Seeing her eyes light up when she learns something new is just...indescribable. It's incredible.

Five years.

Wow.

So, happy early birthday little Evelyn. It has already been such a spectacular journey with you! I cannot wait to see where the next five years takes you. But please walk. We all know how prone you are to falling down. I love you Evie-bo-bevie. You're the best little Evie in the whole wide world!

Love,

Momma