Moving On

Like it or not, life always keeps moving.

When you live with little people, life moves quickly and messily forward. Every waking minute of every day is quite full. From wake up and breakfast to clean up and getting dressed to more clean up to activities and play time to more clean up. Lunch, clean up. Naps, snacks, clean up. Supper, baths, clean up. Stories, teeth, bed, more clean up. It's a bit exhausting just to type.

I believe it is something that has made my mother's days easier to bear. The busy work. There is no time for grieving when you are so exhausted.

So here we are. Three weeks into the rest of our lives. Five days into a new year. The first year without Ethan.

And moving on is something we have no choice but to do.

I celebrated Christmas Eve with my in-laws. We celebrated Christmas Eve. Then Christmas. Then New Year's. My mom and Ethan's best friend and myself all went and got Ethan tattoos. The girls stay with my mom. I go to work. Every day goes by much like the one before. This weekend I felt up to making plans with friends. Had a wonderful time and it was great to be with other grown ups. Talk. Laugh.

Life marches on. The day to day pulls us right along.

Most days, I am doing okay. Sometimes I will see something or think something and it all hits me all over again. And then there is that big gaping hole ready to swallow me up. Sometimes I have had the luxury of being able to put my head in my hands and cry for a minute. Or take big gulps of air and replay all the lines that have made all this easier. He's finally better. We will see him again. He's happy now.

But he's still gone.

Sometimes my mantra cannot stop my mind and all I can think of instead is the times we were together and the moments I missed. The dreams that we had for his future that will never come to fruition. All the things I will never get to say. The things he will never get to do.

Sometimes I think we are doing good. Sometimes not so much. Either way. We are moving on.