Does Mommy know "breast"?

These days breastfeeding is a heated topic. A lot of moms feel very strongly one way or the other and no one can argue with the medical data that shows that breast milk boosts the immune system of infants. However pregnant women can be unsure what decision to make. They may feel pressured to breastfeed and feel guilty if they don't want to. But what decision is really the "best" for them and their baby?

Well, I think it all depends. I breastfed my first daughter for about 5 weeks before my milk dried up. My job is a fast-paced and, at times, physically and emotionally demanding one. The field of emergency communications tends to be a drought or flood environment. We're either twiddling our thumbs and handling a few administrative tasks and calls or we're out of ambulances with more calls coming in. Its not a job where pumping was going to be an option. So after about a month we introduced a bottle and formula to replace the two feedings that I would miss while working and hoped that my milk flow would just accommodate the change. Yeah...that didn't happen. My boobs completely refused to produce more milk after the bottle was introduced. So at five weeks my daughter became a bottle baby, and I finally got my body back.

I was in no way upset about the situation. Evie...well, she hated formula and hated bottles. But she loved to eat so she quickly adapted and moved on. A lot of moms say that they loved breastfeeding their child. It was a bonding experience. They felt like they were doing what they were made to do. I won't argue that its dramatically cheaper. But I absolutely hated breastfeeding. It was exhausting. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it wasn't really comfortable either. Despite what anyone else had told me, it did NOT help me lose weight. I didn't feel like I bonded with Evie at all. In fact, I just felt like a cow. A gross, leaky, exhausted cow. I didn't have time to sleep, to shower, to eat or do anything other than feed the baby. It was horrible. And after nine months of carrying Evie around, I thought I would get my body back after labor. But instead it felt like now she was holding it hostage even from beyond the womb. I couldn't diet, it would hurt my milk supply. I couldn't exercise, it might spoil my milk. I couldn't drink, because it might get into my breast milk. I couldn't sleep more than an hour at a time, because Evie wanted to eat every three hours, took nearly an hour to eat, and took longer to doze off. And when you breastfeed, you're the ONLY one who can feed the baby. So my husband was getting a full night's rest while I did good to catch a few cat naps through the night.

Needless to say, I don't want to breastfeed this time around. And my husband is giving me a hard time about it.

"It's selfish that you won't breastfeed just because you want to get more sleep," he says. "It's not fair that you breastfed Evie and won't Elly," he says. "I can't believe you don't want to breastfeed."

I've now told him if he wants to he is WELCOME to breastfeed Elly. He says I'm being a smart ass but I don't really feel that way. Why is it that just because I"m capable of breastfeeding that its selfish of me not to? He's capable of bottle feeding, so I think its selfish of him not to want to. Of course, part of my explanation to him about why I wasn't going to be breastfeeding including explaining that we could take turns feeding the baby at night and that way we could both get some sleep without one of us going on nothing while the other one sleeps all night. It was when he realized that his sleep schedule might be affected that he began having a problem with bottle feeding. So who is the selfish one?

Josh will only get a few days off from work so he'll be heading back to work while I enjoy six weeks of maternity leave. And I don't expect him to get up as much when he's going to be working 45 hours a week while I'm staying home. Of course, its not like I'll be spending my days snoozing. There won't be "sleeping when the baby sleeps" this time around. Because this time there will be a toddler to take care of during the day. And I'm not sure how often I will be lucky enough to get both babies asleep at the same time. But, with him working, I don't expect him to get up all night with a colicky baby or whatever.

So why is it that a mom who doesn't want to breastfeed is a bad mom? Since I've unintentionally managed to baby bunch I feel like I've spent the last two years pregnant. That's a lot of time that I've not really felt in control of my body. In fact I had literally just gotten back to my pre-baby weight and enjoyed a month of being skinny before I was pregnant again. And with this pregnancy being so close to my last my body very quickly reverted to pregnancy mode. I want my body back! I want to see my feet, and sleep on my stomach, and wear jeans that don't have an elastic waist. I don't want to be a slave to an infant because I want to take care of my toddler. I've had family graciously offer to come help out after the new baby comes and I'm excited that they'll be there. In all honesty, I'm going to let the family help take care of the new baby as much as possible so that Evie doesn't feel as abandoned and displaced. That won't be easy to do if I'm breastfeeding.

And even if I do breastfeed, it will be for only six weeks, then I'll be working full-time again and odds are good that once we introduce bottles, my milk will once more dry up. How much of a difference can six weeks really make for the baby? I know plenty of perfectly healthy children that were bottle fed. I know plenty of kids that pick up every cold, flu, stomach bug, and cough that they walk across that were breastfed. So whereas there is a lot of science backing breast milk, I think some immunity is inherited and some people just happen to get sick a lot. Breast milk may improve their immunity but these days science has brought formula a long ways. Many of the antibodies that breast milk is touted for are in formula as well. Along with the probiotics, vitamins, minerals, and even iron (which, for the record, breastfed babies are usually low on).

So I really don't think this should be such a hot button issue. I don't feel that it is in any way fair to persecute a mother for not wanting to breastfeed. I fully support every woman's right to breastfeed. But I also believe that it should be a choice. Someone shouldn't be stoned or spurned or made to feel guilty because of her feelings on breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is like spandex...its really NOT for everyone. Some women love breastfeeding and more power to them. Others struggle or aren't comfortable and it's sad that a woman is persecuted in any way for such a personal choice.

So pooh on anyone who frowns on my choice to not breastfeed. I've been a good mommy for nine months. I've avoided cocaine, methamphetamines, alcohol, tobacco, aspirin, caffeine (okay, so I do occasionally have a coffee or soda...but NEVER more than one), sleeping on my back, heavy lifting, physical trauma, lead paint exposure, radiation, etc. (For the record, I've never even seen cocaine or meth and I would never smoke or drink while pregnant). I've not griped about losing my waist, gaining a lot of weight, heartburn, swollen feet, back pain, not being about to wear my wedding ring, not being able to breath, contractions, constipation, bloating, gas, feeling super itchy, exhaustion, soreness....okay the list of pregnancy gripes is never-ending. But nevertheless, I feel like I've been positive and optimistic and largely kept my complaints to myself. Surely to goodness, after nine months of being so good, my daughter won't hold it against me for choosing bottles and formula. I hope not at least.