I am usually a Christmas nut. I get my shopping done early. I count down the days with enthusiasm. I have a harder time sleeping on Christmas Eve than the kids. But this year, I just wanted to get it over with.
After Ethan's funeral, I tried really hard to get back into the Christmas spirit. It was two days after his funeral when we went to my in-laws for our Christmas celebration with them. While it was great to get away for a couple of days, I just did not feel the same excitement that I usually have. We made it through. I pushed through with a lot of fake smiles and forced laughter. But I made it.
Then it was only a couple more days until our annual Christmas Eve celebration at my mom's. It was our first holiday without Ethan. Ethan always loved Christmas. It was one of the few times we could count on seeing him each year. Of course, he was motivated to show up because he might be getting a gift...not always because he was interested in spending time with the rest of us. Last year was a great Christmas. Ethan had been sober for a while and was excited to be spending the holiday with all of us. He was excited to see the girls and had even made an effort to get THEM something. Giving to others wasn't something he was usually known for. And it meant a lot to me that he cared. The girls were beyond ecstatic. For whatever reason they had really taken to Ethan and getting to see their Uncle Ethan made their day.
I thought I was going to make it through Christmas Eve without actually crying. But my grandmother brought me a small bag with something she found in Ethan's things that she thought I would like to have: Ethan's hat. Of course that brought on the tears. I cried a little on Christmas but mostly managed okay. Here we are three days later though...we made it. The first holiday of the rest of our lives.
Our first holiday with a hole in it. But we made it through. We have a couple of months until Elisabeth and Elly's birthdays. Then a couple more months until my grandmother and Ethan's shared birthday. I know that will be a challenging month. Then we will have four months until another family get together, Evie's birthday. That was the last time that I saw Ethan this year. In August. He had started using again and didn't look as good as I wanted him to. But he was there. And he seemed sober.
He's in many of the pictures from that day. I have found myself perusing them and trying to remember any conversation I had with him that day. Any contact. That was the last time I had any contact with him. And I can't even remember if I hugged him bye. I was so busy with the party and trying to take care of everyone. And I was disappointed in him for having started using drugs again. I'd like to go back to that day and give him a big hug. Tell him I loved him and that I always would. Ask him to take care of himself. See if he wanted to go to lunch one day and catch up. I would sit with him, the heck with everyone else at the party, and just talk.
Of course, that isn't possible. Nothing can change the past and there's no way to bring him back or change things. I know that next year, Christmas will be easier. In a few years, we might even be able to talk about him without getting all watery-eyed and snotty. Many years down the road, we will be better. The hole will still be there but we will be better at dealing with it. But we survived the first one.
That first one is a big step, it's not the hardest though, it never gets easier, not really. Your family gettogethers are always going to be a puzzle with a missing piece, the first few times it's going to be harsh and raw and your eyes and mind will keep being drawn to that empty spot, after a while though even the missing piece becomes the norm.
ReplyDeleteMy husband lost a baby girl, she was born premature and only lived for 3 days and died in his arms after they turned off the life support.
That was in 2007.
He mostly internalised his grief, (don't do that), and for him that missing puzzle piece is still raw and bleeding.
We brought a bit of Japanese culture in our home by having a little shrine for that missing piece, we have her urn on it, and we buy her a small gift each year, usually fairy trinkets to place on the shrine/shelf.
We also get her a cake for her birthday. It's a nice way to remember.
And as for your little girls being attached to him, my kids love their uncle as well even though they never see him and he's usually out of his mind with his self inflicted mental illness when they do.
Kids don't see that though, they just see their uncle.
Well, at least it doesn't get harder! We aren't internalizing. We are all talking about it and working through it as best we can.
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