Some kinda funk

I have been in some sort of serious funk for the past few days. I don't know why. Maybe because Sunday was a cruddy day and then I had to come back to work without any sort of break. Maybe I'm just experiencing some sort of hormonal thing. As a female it's pretty easy to blame any and all mood problems on hormones. Maybe I'm just too stressed. I dunno. All I know is I'm just stuck in this funk.

I don't want to read. Write. Talk. Watch TV. Nothing. I sit at work like a lump. I go home, take care of the babies and go to bed. I get up and take care of the babies and then I go to work. Rinse and repeat. I feel just...blah.

And I'm STARVING. I think four months straight of hard dieting might finally be getting to me. Can that happen?

I thought about taking a break from the dieting and just maintaining for a couple of weeks. But honestly, I'm not sure I know how! I've spent the last three years in fluctuating weight situations. I spent 9 months gaining, 9 months losing, 9 months gaining....I have completely forgotten what "normal" is. And I kinda have this overwhelming fear of gaining weight back. I've worked so hard to get down to 135. I think I might have some sort of breakdown if I gain weight back.

I don't feel depressed. I've been depressed before. Spent a few months taking Prozac and then things were better and I quit. That's been years ago, but I remember that feeling of despair and helplessness. I don't feel that now. I just feel blah.

Or maybe it's the fact that I've spent the last four days with $7.87 in the bank. Maybe I'm just overstressed about our financial situation? It's been hard having two kids. Very hard. And so many of my reassurances when I found out we were having a second baby were based on Josh getting a job in law enforcement when he got out of BLET, nearly doubling his paychecks. But it's been 6 months since he graduated and there is still no job. And I'm so fed up with trying to motivate him to try to get a job. I've considered getting a second job myself, since apparently it's going to fall to me to do SOMETHING. But then I would never see my kids. And that doesn't seem like much of a solution. They already spend most of their time with my mom. If I get another job then they'll be spending all of their time with my mom. But I don't know what else to do. We keep having to dip into savings the last couple of months. We've had lawn mowers break, multiple times. We've had the AC go out. My car needed new tires and the tags renewed. And now Josh's car needs new tires. So our savings account is empty. And as the girls get bigger it seems like everything keeps getting more expensive, whereas our paychecks are the same. So yeah, it's definitely been weighing heavily on my mind.

Maybe I just need a real vacation. I've not technically had a real, stay in a motel vacation since I was in high school. So I'm definitely overdue. But I've had time off recently. We went to the zoo. We went to Tweetsie. It's been a fun summer.

I just really don't know what my malfunction is. Maybe I need to rearrange some furniture. Or take a long bubble bath. Maybe if I make it to the weekend then a couple of days off will reset this. Who knows.

Either way, I'm very sorry for neglecting my blog so much lately. I just need a break from everything to kind of reset. Maybe after payday tomorrow I will be inspired. Maybe knowing all my bills are paid for another month, seeing my pantry stocked and the changing table full of diapers and pull-ups, even though there will be no money left, will ease the stress and things will be happy-go-lucky

Who knows.