So, I know the Internet is absolutely going ape s*** over the Time magazine cover. And despite my initial reluctance to weigh in...I decided to do it.
I find the Time cover to be incredibly offensive.
There. I said it. I'm going to be honest though. I haven't read the story. And probably won't bring myself to. I have read stories and blogs on extended breastfeeding as well as attachment parenting. While I don't personally buy it, I believe that within reasonable limits, parents should be able to make choices regarding how they raise their children. And if they want to breastfeed their five year-old...more power to them. Ick. But whatever.
What I find so incredibly insulting is the accompanying headline, "Are You Mom Enough?".
How dare anyone call out mothers over something so silly and insignificant as how they choose to feed their child. With all the insanity in the world today bottle vs. breast seems to be getting way too much hype. I feel like it is for all the wrong reasons. Call moms out for spending more time with friends than their kids. Or for doing drugs in front of their kids. For texting and driving with their kids. Or for letting their kids watch age-inappropriate television. Whatever. But for using a bottle instead of a breast?!?
I support breast feeding. I have read the research supporting breastfeeding. But what I REALLY support is mothers. Mothers being able to care for their babies in the best way, not just for the baby, but for the whole family. Some women aren't comfortable with breastfeeding. Some women aren't able to breastfeed. And some women darn near kill themselves trying because they have been so guilted into it by some other woman's BS superiority complex. They push themselves so hard and feel worthless and useless because they can't feed their baby the way they have been told by all the "good" books that they should. Or maybe they are only able to feed for the first couple of days or the first couple of months. Maybe the baby has a milk allergy or reflux or a weak tongue or won't latch.
How dare ANYONE make that woman feel like less of a mom!!
I breastfed Evie for almost the first 6 weeks. Before returning to work, I introduced a bottle and when I did, my milk supply pretty much dried right up. Despite my intentions to continue breastfeeding part-time, my body was in an all or nothing sort of mood and chose to not cooperate. And I honestly was relieved. With bottles, other people could feed her. I could sleep. It was so much easier. But I felt pretty good for having tried.
With Elly, I chose to not even attempt breast feeding. Evie wasn't even 18 months old when she became a big sister. She was still a baby herself. And I knew before we even brought Elly home, that it was not going to be feasible for me to take care of my big baby and breastfeed my little baby. I knew I needed all the help I could get and one of the ways I was going to need help was going to be with feeding the little one. And obviously, if I chose to breastfeed, no one else would be able to help with that. Looking back, at times I wish I had tried to breastfeed her, but I know that it would not have worked and it would have left me even more exhausted and overwhelmed than I was.
I refused to feel guilty for not being able to feed Evie longer or for not choosing to breastfeed Elly. But I am not surprised by the number of mothers who do feel guilty and like less of a woman for not being willing or able to breastfeed. I am surprised by the continued attack on the those women.
As mothers, we need to stick together. I feel like one of my "responsibilities" as a mom is to help encourage and support fellow mothers. My greatest assets over the last 4 years, from first plus sign to now, has been my mom friends. Those with older children and those who are just starting. Because your whole life changes when you get pregnant. Above and beyond what you could ever dream. And once you see that mooshed up face and hear that first choked cry, you will never be the same. You really will spend the rest of your life with a big chunk of your heart walking around outside your body.
Being a mom is hard! And our partners in the parenthood experience, our husbands, generally don't understand what it truly means to be a mom, not REALLY. So who else can we turn to except other moms? And what will we do when in typical female fashion, we are all catty and snippy and hateful to those other moms? They didn't create healthy sleep patterns in their newborns, and they didn't wait to introduce solids, and they have a family bed, and their kid is a biter, and can you believe she chose to bottle feed that poor baby? Why do women do this to each other? It makes me sad for my daughters. I cherish my mom friends regardless of the different decisions that they made when it came to raising their children. I refuse to think less of them for those choices or to judge them. Though I do admit to occasional mom-envy: for a fellow mom's unbelievably well-mannered two-year-old or an almost-too-perfect marriage. I may not always agree with their parenting decisions, but I figure unless they're doing something to endanger the lives of their kids it's not my business.
If you want to breastfeed your child until they start middle school...whatever. If you answer your child's every whimper...more power to you. Just leave me out of it. I take very good care of my kids without dropping everything to run to their aid every time they make a displeased sound. Their boo-boos get kissed, they get plenty of hugs and snuggles, and I listen to them when they speak to me. But they also have to work through some of their own issues. They squabble some and they cry. They don't get what they want when they whine. (I hate hate hate whining!) I let them make mistakes because that is how they learn. I put them in time out when they mess up. I don't do everything right. I make mistakes. But I'm a good mom. Regardless of how long I breastfed.
I feel like Time did this piece only to receive this sensational response. Not really to raise awareness for a serious issue or promote anything. I don't feel like breastfeeding or attachment parenting is getting any "positive" press for this article. Instead it has drawn a line in the sand. Placing moms on each side with children in the middle.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
My New Thing
So I have recently somehow managed to discover that I love tea.
No. Not sweet tea. Yes, I have been drinking it all of my memorable life. And yes, I do love it.
But I have discovered that I LOVE - in all caps here - LOVE hot tea. It's become a neat sort of fascination. I've spent time online looking up new flavors to try and cannot wait to finish off a box so I can try something new.
Yeah...I'm pretty sure all my co-workers have decided that I've lost my mind.
It all started because I wanted to cut out my daily diet soda. Since I had Elly, I've only allowed myself one diet soda per day. Typically a Diet Dr. Pepper. And I drink it with my lunch every day. During my weight loss journey I read that a cup of hot Green Tea in the afternoon could help with weight loss. So I started drinking a hot tea in the afternoons with a small snack. And even though I'm not trying to lose weight now, I continue to have my cup of tea because I discovered I really enjoyed it.
Keep in mind, I'm the type of person who would love to sit around and drink hot coffee all day. Except I just cannot do the caffeine. If I have coffee in the afternoon, I'm up all night. So coffee was never an option. But tea, all teas, have dramatically less caffeine than a cup of coffee.
So, as I attempted to cut out my diet soda after reading yet another article about how bad artificial sweetener is for you, I replaced it with a cup of Earl Gray tea. And holy cow! I love it!
So then I start thinking...some mornings, I get a little jittery after my coffee. I know, I'm a total wuss. Two cups of coffee and I have the mid-morning jitters. But I love sipping a couple of cups of hot coffee during breakfast and while I read the news and emails in the morning. Sipping my coffee while I get ready. I need some caffeine but maybe I need a little less. So I tried replacing one of my cups of coffee with a cup of black tea. And by Jove! I love it!
So now I have cut out my serious coffee habit. And I haven't had any headaches or jitters. Although I think everyone has decided I might be the weirdest person they know...
No. Not sweet tea. Yes, I have been drinking it all of my memorable life. And yes, I do love it.
But I have discovered that I LOVE - in all caps here - LOVE hot tea. It's become a neat sort of fascination. I've spent time online looking up new flavors to try and cannot wait to finish off a box so I can try something new.
Yeah...I'm pretty sure all my co-workers have decided that I've lost my mind.
It all started because I wanted to cut out my daily diet soda. Since I had Elly, I've only allowed myself one diet soda per day. Typically a Diet Dr. Pepper. And I drink it with my lunch every day. During my weight loss journey I read that a cup of hot Green Tea in the afternoon could help with weight loss. So I started drinking a hot tea in the afternoons with a small snack. And even though I'm not trying to lose weight now, I continue to have my cup of tea because I discovered I really enjoyed it.
Keep in mind, I'm the type of person who would love to sit around and drink hot coffee all day. Except I just cannot do the caffeine. If I have coffee in the afternoon, I'm up all night. So coffee was never an option. But tea, all teas, have dramatically less caffeine than a cup of coffee.
So, as I attempted to cut out my diet soda after reading yet another article about how bad artificial sweetener is for you, I replaced it with a cup of Earl Gray tea. And holy cow! I love it!
So then I start thinking...some mornings, I get a little jittery after my coffee. I know, I'm a total wuss. Two cups of coffee and I have the mid-morning jitters. But I love sipping a couple of cups of hot coffee during breakfast and while I read the news and emails in the morning. Sipping my coffee while I get ready. I need some caffeine but maybe I need a little less. So I tried replacing one of my cups of coffee with a cup of black tea. And by Jove! I love it!
So now I have cut out my serious coffee habit. And I haven't had any headaches or jitters. Although I think everyone has decided I might be the weirdest person they know...
Screen Time Guilt
Am I the only parent who wrestles with guilt over screen time?
I am typically a bit of a Nazi about how much TV the girls watch. Or I try to be. Their TV time each day is pretty limited. And they don't get to play video games or on my phone or iPad unless its some sort of special event. The TV turns off at the same time every morning and we have plenty of non-tv time together daily.
However, I frequently worry about them watching too much television. Pediatricians recommend children 2 and up have no more than 2 hours of screen time per day. And we exceed that. Though that time isn't spent with them mindless watching television. I interact with them while they watch tv and they typically only half way watch the screen. Still, I worry.
On bad days, when the kids won't stop fighting or whining or I feel bad or none of slept the night before, the television is a great crutch. Turn it on and I can take a breath. There is thirty minutes of peace. But then I feel guilty about it. Should I have tried harder to make them play with some toys? Or sent them to their room? What could I have done differently?
Despite the guilt, sometimes you just have to do whatever you have to do for everyone to get through the day. Especially with babies, which I really feel both of mine still qualify as. Keeping everyone happy and healthy might balance out that extra episode or three of Dora.
And I certainly don't let my kids watch any "grown up" programming. So at least they aren't spending a couple hours a day watching violence or sex or learning bad language. So maybe it's not too bad.
I am typically a bit of a Nazi about how much TV the girls watch. Or I try to be. Their TV time each day is pretty limited. And they don't get to play video games or on my phone or iPad unless its some sort of special event. The TV turns off at the same time every morning and we have plenty of non-tv time together daily.
However, I frequently worry about them watching too much television. Pediatricians recommend children 2 and up have no more than 2 hours of screen time per day. And we exceed that. Though that time isn't spent with them mindless watching television. I interact with them while they watch tv and they typically only half way watch the screen. Still, I worry.
On bad days, when the kids won't stop fighting or whining or I feel bad or none of slept the night before, the television is a great crutch. Turn it on and I can take a breath. There is thirty minutes of peace. But then I feel guilty about it. Should I have tried harder to make them play with some toys? Or sent them to their room? What could I have done differently?
Despite the guilt, sometimes you just have to do whatever you have to do for everyone to get through the day. Especially with babies, which I really feel both of mine still qualify as. Keeping everyone happy and healthy might balance out that extra episode or three of Dora.
And I certainly don't let my kids watch any "grown up" programming. So at least they aren't spending a couple hours a day watching violence or sex or learning bad language. So maybe it's not too bad.
Elly's First Procedure
It has been more than two weeks since I posted. I am so sorry! I don't really have any good excuse. But anytime I get busy or get other things on my mind, it is hard to focus long enough to compose a blog.
Elly had her first laser procedure last Friday. I was not the emotional wreck that I anticipated I would be. In fact, I managed not to cry the whole time. It was really hard watching them take my baby away, back into the hospital. My tiny, precious girl who never leaves me unless she is with my mom or husband. She has stayed for a few hours alone with my step dad. But he has never taken her out anywhere alone. She's my little home body. But I didn't want to upset her by sitting around the hospital bawling while we waited for the nurses to take her back. And I didn't want to cry when she left me, because that would make leaving me scary. So I took deep breaths and reminded myself that everything was going to be fine and said half a dozen prayers.
Luckily, the procedure took almost no time. My mother and I went back out into the waiting room and got settled. We each checked email and Facebook on our phones. By the time we got bored with that and had each gotten out a book, the nurse was calling my name over the intercom. The walk to pick up the phone to talk to the doctor was scary, I have to say. That was the "Dear God, please let her be okay. Let her be fine. Please," moment of terror. It had gone so quickly that I couldn't believe that they were already done. I was terrified that something had gone wrong! But nope. She was fine. Doctor gave me a brief run down of how things went, what to do over the next couple of weeks and reminded me that his office would call me to set up the next appointment. Two hours after arriving at the hospital we were on our way home.
Her next procedure is in mid-June. Her eye doctors appointment is a few weeks away as well. The possibility of something being wrong with her eye is a little scary. But the fact that she's had no developmental delays or problems leads me to believe that she is probably fine. Still since the doctor recommended we get her checked, we are DEFINITELY getting her checked. With almost any medical issue, early treatment is key. So "let's wait and see" just won't cut it. Especially not with something so vital as eyes.
We will have at least 2 more trips to the hospital for laser procedures. Then one more follow up to see how the whole area has healed. Then hopefully we will be done and Elly will be free of this whole thing without even a memory of it!
Elly had her first laser procedure last Friday. I was not the emotional wreck that I anticipated I would be. In fact, I managed not to cry the whole time. It was really hard watching them take my baby away, back into the hospital. My tiny, precious girl who never leaves me unless she is with my mom or husband. She has stayed for a few hours alone with my step dad. But he has never taken her out anywhere alone. She's my little home body. But I didn't want to upset her by sitting around the hospital bawling while we waited for the nurses to take her back. And I didn't want to cry when she left me, because that would make leaving me scary. So I took deep breaths and reminded myself that everything was going to be fine and said half a dozen prayers.
Luckily, the procedure took almost no time. My mother and I went back out into the waiting room and got settled. We each checked email and Facebook on our phones. By the time we got bored with that and had each gotten out a book, the nurse was calling my name over the intercom. The walk to pick up the phone to talk to the doctor was scary, I have to say. That was the "Dear God, please let her be okay. Let her be fine. Please," moment of terror. It had gone so quickly that I couldn't believe that they were already done. I was terrified that something had gone wrong! But nope. She was fine. Doctor gave me a brief run down of how things went, what to do over the next couple of weeks and reminded me that his office would call me to set up the next appointment. Two hours after arriving at the hospital we were on our way home.
Her next procedure is in mid-June. Her eye doctors appointment is a few weeks away as well. The possibility of something being wrong with her eye is a little scary. But the fact that she's had no developmental delays or problems leads me to believe that she is probably fine. Still since the doctor recommended we get her checked, we are DEFINITELY getting her checked. With almost any medical issue, early treatment is key. So "let's wait and see" just won't cut it. Especially not with something so vital as eyes.
We will have at least 2 more trips to the hospital for laser procedures. Then one more follow up to see how the whole area has healed. Then hopefully we will be done and Elly will be free of this whole thing without even a memory of it!
Friday, April 20, 2012
Changes for Elly
Well, the past week has been a bit radical for little Elly.
First, she has progressed fully into the realm of toddler.
Second, she has completely abandoned the bottle.
Okay. So this isn't like nuclear fission kind of radical. But it's a little wild. And very cool.
I have decided that I really like the fact that Elly waited until she was 14 months old to walk. Really! I mean, I know I have spent almost 6 months worrying if something might be wrong with her or if she was ever going to walk since she didn't start at 10 months like big sister. But unlike Evie, who spent her first several months of walking falling into stuff, Elly hasn't fallen. Like at all. No bumps and no bruises. Only one tip over that caused a big meltdown. And of course she wasn't hurt then. Just wounded pride.
Once I got over the worrying, it has been a much less stressful experience. I spent all my time with Evie trying to keep her from breaking herself. And feeling super embarrassed going out into public with a baby that looked like I beat her with a sack of bricks.
Last night we had our first big game of chase. Evie is a big fan of running through the house screaming after each other. And for the first time Elly got to participate. I'm not sure Evie knew what to think. But Elly loved it! She laughed so hard she couldn't breathe. hehe. Too precious. I really need to get it on video.
And as of last Saturday, Elly no longer gets a bottle. And I'm a little sad. Especially since Elly doesn't care. No. Really. She doesn't care. I just told her that we weren't doing a bottle anymore. And she hasn't asked for it once. She just gets a small cup of milk during the same time. And she wants to drink it sitting in her little chair, not snuggled up in my lap like we did with the bottle. But thankfully, she wants to come snuggle after the milk and after we brush their teeth. So I do still get some loving time! But it makes me sad that she didn't miss the bottle.
So our next step will be ditching the paci. Then potty training and moving to a big bed. Eesh.
We have already cut back the pacifier to naps and bed time only. So it won't be hard to cut it out the rest of the time. Hopefully. She is cutting more teeth now, and I have always heard that pacifier sucking can help ease that pain. So I will wait until after she cuts these to take away the paci. But we might as well go ahead and do it.
After that I'm not sure which to do first. Evie did bed, then bottles, then paci then potty. I don't know if there is an issue with potty training while a child is still in a crib or not. Crib kind of screams baby. While potty training is definitely a big kid thing. So seems like we should do bed first. And I don't know that Elly and I are ready for that. Probably mostly me. Since Elly does fine climbing in and out of her sister's bed. But right now I can put her in her crib, close the door and be done with her for the night. If she wants to play, she plays and then she goes to sleep. With Evie we certainly don't have the battles we used to have at bed time, however, there is a certain amount of reminding and reasoning that we do every night.
"Remember, you have to stay in bed, Evie."
"How do dinosaurs say good night, Evie?"
"If you get up again I will take Duck away!"
You get the idea. Some nights it's merely a "Good night Evie!" "Good night Momma." "Sweet dreams Evie." "Sweet dreams Momma." "Love you Evie." "Love you too Momma." And I close the door and don't see her until 8 a.m. the next day. Sometimes I put her to bed at 10 p.m. and I am in there seizing stuffed animals still at 10:30 p.m. while she pleads and begs to get back up. But the bad nights are less and less common. So I'm hesitant to throw any premature wrenches in what seems to be a well-oiled bed time routine.
So what age is the "right age" to move to a bed?
Evie moved into a toddler bed at her first birthday. I think life might have been simpler if we had kept her in a crib longer. BUT I don't know that we had more problems than we would have had if we had waited.
The other challenge for when Elly moves into a bed will be the fact that Evie and Elly are going to be sharing a room. That will be a whole new challenge I'm sure.
So I guess we will go with paci, bed, then potty? Maybe we will all be ready for the bed transition by Evie's third birthday this August. Then start potty training Elly around her second birthday. Maybe after. I have learned the hard way with Evie that it will be easier to wait until she's ready. Rather than dealing with panties and pull ups and clean ups. Waiting until she's older and ready will be easier in the long run. Even if it means she spends more time in diapers. At her age she's only using three or four diapers a day. So it's less than $1 per day in diapers. I probably spend more than that in soap, water, time and aggravation on a day when Evie decides that she doesn't want to be potty trained. So I think that it will be worth the wait.
I don't look forward to changes in our routine causing upheaval, especially at bed time. But it'll be nice when the girls are snoozing together. And of course, change is just part of lil Elly growing up!
First, she has progressed fully into the realm of toddler.
Second, she has completely abandoned the bottle.
Okay. So this isn't like nuclear fission kind of radical. But it's a little wild. And very cool.
I have decided that I really like the fact that Elly waited until she was 14 months old to walk. Really! I mean, I know I have spent almost 6 months worrying if something might be wrong with her or if she was ever going to walk since she didn't start at 10 months like big sister. But unlike Evie, who spent her first several months of walking falling into stuff, Elly hasn't fallen. Like at all. No bumps and no bruises. Only one tip over that caused a big meltdown. And of course she wasn't hurt then. Just wounded pride.
Once I got over the worrying, it has been a much less stressful experience. I spent all my time with Evie trying to keep her from breaking herself. And feeling super embarrassed going out into public with a baby that looked like I beat her with a sack of bricks.
Last night we had our first big game of chase. Evie is a big fan of running through the house screaming after each other. And for the first time Elly got to participate. I'm not sure Evie knew what to think. But Elly loved it! She laughed so hard she couldn't breathe. hehe. Too precious. I really need to get it on video.
And as of last Saturday, Elly no longer gets a bottle. And I'm a little sad. Especially since Elly doesn't care. No. Really. She doesn't care. I just told her that we weren't doing a bottle anymore. And she hasn't asked for it once. She just gets a small cup of milk during the same time. And she wants to drink it sitting in her little chair, not snuggled up in my lap like we did with the bottle. But thankfully, she wants to come snuggle after the milk and after we brush their teeth. So I do still get some loving time! But it makes me sad that she didn't miss the bottle.
So our next step will be ditching the paci. Then potty training and moving to a big bed. Eesh.
We have already cut back the pacifier to naps and bed time only. So it won't be hard to cut it out the rest of the time. Hopefully. She is cutting more teeth now, and I have always heard that pacifier sucking can help ease that pain. So I will wait until after she cuts these to take away the paci. But we might as well go ahead and do it.
After that I'm not sure which to do first. Evie did bed, then bottles, then paci then potty. I don't know if there is an issue with potty training while a child is still in a crib or not. Crib kind of screams baby. While potty training is definitely a big kid thing. So seems like we should do bed first. And I don't know that Elly and I are ready for that. Probably mostly me. Since Elly does fine climbing in and out of her sister's bed. But right now I can put her in her crib, close the door and be done with her for the night. If she wants to play, she plays and then she goes to sleep. With Evie we certainly don't have the battles we used to have at bed time, however, there is a certain amount of reminding and reasoning that we do every night.
"Remember, you have to stay in bed, Evie."
"How do dinosaurs say good night, Evie?"
"If you get up again I will take Duck away!"
You get the idea. Some nights it's merely a "Good night Evie!" "Good night Momma." "Sweet dreams Evie." "Sweet dreams Momma." "Love you Evie." "Love you too Momma." And I close the door and don't see her until 8 a.m. the next day. Sometimes I put her to bed at 10 p.m. and I am in there seizing stuffed animals still at 10:30 p.m. while she pleads and begs to get back up. But the bad nights are less and less common. So I'm hesitant to throw any premature wrenches in what seems to be a well-oiled bed time routine.
So what age is the "right age" to move to a bed?
Evie moved into a toddler bed at her first birthday. I think life might have been simpler if we had kept her in a crib longer. BUT I don't know that we had more problems than we would have had if we had waited.
The other challenge for when Elly moves into a bed will be the fact that Evie and Elly are going to be sharing a room. That will be a whole new challenge I'm sure.
So I guess we will go with paci, bed, then potty? Maybe we will all be ready for the bed transition by Evie's third birthday this August. Then start potty training Elly around her second birthday. Maybe after. I have learned the hard way with Evie that it will be easier to wait until she's ready. Rather than dealing with panties and pull ups and clean ups. Waiting until she's older and ready will be easier in the long run. Even if it means she spends more time in diapers. At her age she's only using three or four diapers a day. So it's less than $1 per day in diapers. I probably spend more than that in soap, water, time and aggravation on a day when Evie decides that she doesn't want to be potty trained. So I think that it will be worth the wait.
I don't look forward to changes in our routine causing upheaval, especially at bed time. But it'll be nice when the girls are snoozing together. And of course, change is just part of lil Elly growing up!
Friday, April 13, 2012
The Decision to Expand...or not?
When I was pregnant with Elly, I worried frequently about how Evie would handle life with a sibling. How we would ever have enough time to spend time with both girls? A part of me feared that we were ruining Evie's life by bringing another little person into it. Another part dreamed of the close friends they would become, of their precious giggles as they splashed in the bath, and the joyful racket on Christmas with both girls tearing into presents.
I'm sure most parents struggle with similar back and forth when they add to their family. A mixture of joy and guilt. I completely understand why so many choose to have just one child. It's hard to struggle with a decision that's not just going to affect you and your husband. But affect other little lives. Forever. Think how much different one will grow up...an only child. One child of two. Or maybe one child of many. Each is a dramatically different life path.
I didn't always know if I wanted kids. And when I had Evie I loved her so much I didn't know whether or not I wanted more. Didn't know how I could love someone else the way I loved my Evie. How I could love someone else as much as I loved my Evie. When Elly came along I found I was partially right...I didn't love her the same way I loved Evie. I don't think you can love any two people in the SAME way. Evie will always have a special love. Just as Elly will always have a special love.
Our first six months was incredibly hard. I think it always is when your life changes so dramatically. With Elly sick, then jaundiced, then colicky...and Evie still not talking. Life was incredibly difficult. And during that time we swore off having any more kids. Simply couldn't imagine putting all of us through that again.
But I have always been told that when you're done...you just KNOW. You have that second baby and life is complete. Or you have that first baby and life is complete.
And recently, I've come to the realization that the gosh awful baby phase, the one full of sleepless nights and spit up and poopy diapers, it doesn't last very long. A year of Elly's life has flown by in an instant. Nearly three years of Evie's life have passed in the blink of an eye. The days will come far too soon when my babies aren't dragging me out of bed in the morning, and instead it is me dragging them. It won't be very long before my Friday nights are not spent refereeing an argument over who gets to sit on my lap while we watch Cinderella. So it seems awfully unfair to make a lifelong decision based on a miserable 6 months.
Watching the girls play in the living room floor, I feel like someone is missing. Just maybe.
No, I do not have baby fever. I don't look at pregnant women and dream about returning to that state of swollen ankles and not being able to wear my clothes. I don't glimpse families toting ginormous infant carriers and long to have those days back. Nor do I see darling babies and miss the bottles and the burping and the days of a little being that has minimal personality and does nothing but eat and sleep. If I could somehow skip the first six months of having a third child I might just sign right up. Maybe.
Children are an amazing, wonderful, impossible blessing.
There are moments when I look at my two girls and wonder how on earth I could want anything more. How unbelievably greedy of me. And there are moments when the very idea of adding another voice to the chaos of yelling and crying and screaming makes me feel like I should have a drink and then check myself into the closest mental health facility.
In closing let me state, quite conclusively, that there will NOT be an addition to the family any time soon. I am not pregnant now. And do not intend to be pregnant soon. And I don't know that we will have a third one. It is quite a hefty decision. No permanent decisions have been made. But who knows. Maybe once the girls are off to school and things have settled down. Or maybe by then I will be far too attached to sleeping through the night to worry about that missing person.
I'm sure most parents struggle with similar back and forth when they add to their family. A mixture of joy and guilt. I completely understand why so many choose to have just one child. It's hard to struggle with a decision that's not just going to affect you and your husband. But affect other little lives. Forever. Think how much different one will grow up...an only child. One child of two. Or maybe one child of many. Each is a dramatically different life path.
I didn't always know if I wanted kids. And when I had Evie I loved her so much I didn't know whether or not I wanted more. Didn't know how I could love someone else the way I loved my Evie. How I could love someone else as much as I loved my Evie. When Elly came along I found I was partially right...I didn't love her the same way I loved Evie. I don't think you can love any two people in the SAME way. Evie will always have a special love. Just as Elly will always have a special love.
Our first six months was incredibly hard. I think it always is when your life changes so dramatically. With Elly sick, then jaundiced, then colicky...and Evie still not talking. Life was incredibly difficult. And during that time we swore off having any more kids. Simply couldn't imagine putting all of us through that again.
But I have always been told that when you're done...you just KNOW. You have that second baby and life is complete. Or you have that first baby and life is complete.
And recently, I've come to the realization that the gosh awful baby phase, the one full of sleepless nights and spit up and poopy diapers, it doesn't last very long. A year of Elly's life has flown by in an instant. Nearly three years of Evie's life have passed in the blink of an eye. The days will come far too soon when my babies aren't dragging me out of bed in the morning, and instead it is me dragging them. It won't be very long before my Friday nights are not spent refereeing an argument over who gets to sit on my lap while we watch Cinderella. So it seems awfully unfair to make a lifelong decision based on a miserable 6 months.
Watching the girls play in the living room floor, I feel like someone is missing. Just maybe.
No, I do not have baby fever. I don't look at pregnant women and dream about returning to that state of swollen ankles and not being able to wear my clothes. I don't glimpse families toting ginormous infant carriers and long to have those days back. Nor do I see darling babies and miss the bottles and the burping and the days of a little being that has minimal personality and does nothing but eat and sleep. If I could somehow skip the first six months of having a third child I might just sign right up. Maybe.
Children are an amazing, wonderful, impossible blessing.
There are moments when I look at my two girls and wonder how on earth I could want anything more. How unbelievably greedy of me. And there are moments when the very idea of adding another voice to the chaos of yelling and crying and screaming makes me feel like I should have a drink and then check myself into the closest mental health facility.
In closing let me state, quite conclusively, that there will NOT be an addition to the family any time soon. I am not pregnant now. And do not intend to be pregnant soon. And I don't know that we will have a third one. It is quite a hefty decision. No permanent decisions have been made. But who knows. Maybe once the girls are off to school and things have settled down. Or maybe by then I will be far too attached to sleeping through the night to worry about that missing person.
Dealing with Loss
Losing a family member is never easy.
Not even when that family member is tiny, four-legged, fuzzy and isn’t really “gone.”
In spring 2008, Josh bought me Mushu, a Yorkie-Shih Tzu mix, as a combo anniversary and birthday present. Mushu was a teensy ball of fuzz and he was really our first baby. Unfortunately for Mushu, in August of 2009 we had a real baby. A human baby. When little Evie came along I was not sure how Mushu would deal. I thought he would hate her. Be jealous. Maybe even bite her. But he didn’t.
Instead he became very protective. And as a result very stressed.
By the time Elly came along, Mushu’s protectiveness had turned into violence. Not towards any of us. But towards anyone who came to our house. Or near our yard for that matter.
Mushu preferred to spend much of his time outside. We had a wireless electric fence and Mushu and our beagle, Emily, each had collars. So Mushu could pass much of his day running around the yard doing whatever he pleased. But this meant that when the mail ran Mushu was typically in the yard. Same goes for UPS, visitors, neighbors, whoever. And Mushu started to bite.
Now, fully grown Mushu weighed a whopping 8 lbs. He was certainly no Rottweiler barreling down on you. But he was fast, and due to his size most people ignored him. Even after I would TELL them that he would bite. They just marched on up to the porch. Usually getting nipped on the calf as a result.
It started off that his bites were pretty light and tentative. Never broke the skin or did damage. But over the last six months, Mushu’s bite has gotten much more serious. It escalated into a very bad bite on the calf of one of our friends who came by after church a few weeks ago.
We could take no more.
I started talking about rehoming him through one of the local rescue groups.
I cried to my husband. I cried to my mom. I cried alone in my car. I cried about it a lot.
I certainly didn’t want to get rid of Mushu. But I couldn’t have him biting everyone who came to my house. And I didn’t want to risk him escalating further and possibly biting one of us, maybe even one of the kids.
I felt like my hands were tied. Mushu had to go.
And he did.
Mushu seems to be much happier. He loves us, I know. And he loves the girls. But he just couldn’t handle the stress of my girls 24/7.
Fortunately for Mushu, and for us, my mom had developed something of a soft spot for Mushu over the last four years. And she knew that he had developed a soft spot for her over the last year coming to day care. So, Mushu has moved to my mom’s house. We still get to see him 3 or 4 days a week when the girls go there for day care. But then the girls go home and he gets a break. Mushu loves it. He is getting the best of both worlds. He gets the stability and quiet of my mom’s house with the fun and love of family when the girls are there. Now I don’t have to worry about him eating up some of our visitors. But I know he is well taken care of and loved.
I have still missed him. It’s been really weird not having him around the house. Much quieter, for one thing. But it has been nice not to worry about whether or not the mail was going to run when he was outside or making sure he was put up before anyone came to visit.
Now we have to make sure that Maiko doesn’t grow up to be a psycho attack dog…*sigh*
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